I feel good tonight. I feel like the Lord is working some things out in my mind. It must be Him, because I just suck (as in lemons!) at trying to accomplish the same task myself. I can fix a lot of things in the physical world, but when it comes to my mind, I am my own worst enemy. NA has taught me that our mind is a dangerous place to be without God, and I know it to be true. It is a dangerous place to be with God if you refuse to listen to Him. In that case, you just stay beat up all the time, because the Holy Spirit through your own consciousness will beat you to death, figuratively speaking.
I was having a conversation with my sponsor and his wife tonight about my emotions. They have both been through a divorce, and it is a huge comfort to have two literate people who I trust completely to be able to talk honestly to. I find out through them, as well as the program, that though I can't even define my emotions right now, I am reacting and acting normally. I am not some sort of fiend because of the places my mind can take me, I am just working through my emotions and processing as God intended. If the program of narcotics anonymous did nothing more than put people together to talk, I still believe it would succeed. If you think about it, that is all it does do. It gives people like me an environment of open communication, safety, and guidance. I thank God every day for this program, for it truly is His program.
I really miss my daughter. I think that missing her might be part of the trouble sleeping I have been having lately. I sure hope to be able to see her come spring break. I have got to start trying to save a little money to make that possible, but that is really hard to do right now. Tony and I are looking at moving out of this house and into something a little easier on the wallet, but that is gonna take money as well. I did find a nice couch and chair tonight, or actually it found me. The pastors wife asked if we knew anyone that needed them, and yep, that would be me.
That's about it for tonight. If you are reading this, please pray for me, and if you leave your name in the comment box I will pray for you as well.
Thank you Father that you are always with me, and that You always care. Thank You for my sponsor and his wife, I honestly don't know where I would be mentally without them in my life. Please continue to have Your hand upon them. Thank you for the program of Narcotics Anonymous. Thank you for my children, and the people you have put into their lives. Thank You that Anne is one of Your own.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Morning
I woke up this morning in a bad mood because of the dream I was having as I woke up. The dream wasn't bad, waking from it is what put me in the bad mood.
In this dream I don't remember much (you know how dreams fade quickly), I was standing behind Anne with my arms around her, kissing the back of her neck. She was crying, not because she was sad, but because it was over. By over, I don't mean the divorce had been finalized, but that we had called off the divorce, were getting back together, and everything was going to be alright. That is how I woke up. The truth is, I did not even know that was in me. I thought I had managed to purge those feelings. I thought I had moved on. I don't want those feelings, and the sooner they become a distant memory the better.
It is gloomy again today, overcast and a chance of snow again tomorrow. I like snow, but the sun shining on the snow makes for a much better mood. I don't see how people that live in Alaska do it, I guess that is why addiction rates per capita are so high. I think I am going to try and get some rest and sleep today. I have been waking up early every morning, some mornings as early as 3am. I was up at about 6 this morning, and I don't have any work or anything and would loved to have slept in, but there was that dream...
I know my heart and my pride are battling, I can sense it in my thoughts, see it in my actions, and hear it in my words. My dreams are even showing the evidence.
I am just thankful that I see the war, though I sometimes lose individual battles. The Lord knows my heart, and He knows my flesh as well, and I know that if I stay in constant prayer, He will give me the tools to eventually win the war.
According to Robertson McQuilkin, author of Life in the Spirit[1], there are four steps to attaining victory over our old nature and establishing a battle plan.
1. We need to surrender “self” to the Spirit
2. Identify the source of temptation
3. Recognize the Roots of Sin
4. Acknowledge the Taproot
"the taproot of sin is from unbelief in the promises of God" -John Piper
Father, help me today to recognize and trust You more. Help me to stay "armored up" as I engage in spiritual battle. Help me to recognize the way of escape as I face temptations in my own mind. Help me to become the man that You designed me to be, and give me the strength to fight.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
In this dream I don't remember much (you know how dreams fade quickly), I was standing behind Anne with my arms around her, kissing the back of her neck. She was crying, not because she was sad, but because it was over. By over, I don't mean the divorce had been finalized, but that we had called off the divorce, were getting back together, and everything was going to be alright. That is how I woke up. The truth is, I did not even know that was in me. I thought I had managed to purge those feelings. I thought I had moved on. I don't want those feelings, and the sooner they become a distant memory the better.
It is gloomy again today, overcast and a chance of snow again tomorrow. I like snow, but the sun shining on the snow makes for a much better mood. I don't see how people that live in Alaska do it, I guess that is why addiction rates per capita are so high. I think I am going to try and get some rest and sleep today. I have been waking up early every morning, some mornings as early as 3am. I was up at about 6 this morning, and I don't have any work or anything and would loved to have slept in, but there was that dream...
I know my heart and my pride are battling, I can sense it in my thoughts, see it in my actions, and hear it in my words. My dreams are even showing the evidence.
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
I am just thankful that I see the war, though I sometimes lose individual battles. The Lord knows my heart, and He knows my flesh as well, and I know that if I stay in constant prayer, He will give me the tools to eventually win the war.
According to Robertson McQuilkin, author of Life in the Spirit[1], there are four steps to attaining victory over our old nature and establishing a battle plan.
1. We need to surrender “self” to the Spirit
2. Identify the source of temptation
3. Recognize the Roots of Sin
4. Acknowledge the Taproot
"the taproot of sin is from unbelief in the promises of God" -John Piper
Father, help me today to recognize and trust You more. Help me to stay "armored up" as I engage in spiritual battle. Help me to recognize the way of escape as I face temptations in my own mind. Help me to become the man that You designed me to be, and give me the strength to fight.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)