No More Online Journal For Me...

I will no longer be posting to the journal page.  I have decided that there are things that I need to talk about in a personal journal that just aren't for everyone's eyes.  I feel that to be true to a journal, expressing my feelings, thoughts, and views about the path my life takes, I have to do it privately.  I originally thought that this would be a good place for my daughter to keep up with what goes on in my life, but I think that writing it in a journal and presenting it to her when she is old enough to comprehend is a much more feasible idea. 

I will however, continue to write articles as the mood strikes me, but there is just too much going on in my life to make public.  

After much deliberation, and even more praying, I have decided not to post the entry I wrote this morning.  I don't necessarily think the illustration exactly applies to journal entries, but I guess it is close enough.  I am trying my best to control my emotions, especially where my soon to be ex wife is concerned.  I do fairly well now when I am actually in a conversation with her (at least when she isn't hanging up on me...), but I really want to vent my frustration, and my first thought is to do it here or on Facebook, but the Holy Spirit has been dealing with me fairly severely about that, hence my hesitation this morning.  

My God is absolutely sovereign, there is nothing, and I mean nothing happens outside of His design or against His will.  He knows the situation.  He knows my heart, and He knows Anne's heart.  That doesn't absolve me of the responsibility to defend myself, but it does give me comfort to know that ultimately He is in control, and there is nothing Anne can do that He hasn't allowed to happen.  I am learning to put my money where my mouth is when it comes to my faith, it's not my job to make anyone else follow suite.  

I found out that my buddy has checked himself into the VA to deal with his addiction.  I was just about to the point of telling him to quit playing with it, if you're gonna get high then do it with some gusto and stop trying to keep one foot in recovery.  That may sound harsh, but the sooner he gets to the bad part, the sooner he gets back into recovery.  

That's about it, maybe I will sleep better tonight.  I was sleeping fine again until last night.  

Father, please keep Your hand on this unfolding situation, and do a work in Anne's heart.  Please help her to hear what You say, and not what she wants to hear.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

 I have a journal entry written, but rather than post it I have decided to let it sit in draft form for awhile.  If this evening I still feel like posting it I will, but as for now it is going to slow cook, and may very well burn up in the process.  Then again, it may not.

Not my will, but Yours Father.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

My One Constant

I have so many things going on in my life right now that it is hard to keep focus.  I wish I could say that all of these things were good, but for the most part they are not.  Divorce, Dui, employment, and where I'm going to live are all competing for rent in my head.  I need to keep my focus though, on the One who can walk me through all of these problems.  I need to take my guidance and comfort from God.  I am powerless to do anything but take these things as they come, step by step, and turn them over to God.  Without Him these things will overwhelm me, but with Him these are nothing but things.

Father, please help me today to refocus, to find joy in You.  Please guide my steps words and actions as I navigate this day, and help me to have a grateful attitude.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

Sunday Night

I'm feeling kind of irritated at the world tonight.  Just kinda fed up with everything.  I know it's a stupid selfish feeling, but I have to own it tonight so I'm not going to run my mouth here.  Goodnight.

This is a video I made for a friend of mine.  This may not be the final product, but it's close.  God can turn anyone's life around, including mine.  God is good....  All the time....

Really?

As I am going through my email this morning I came across a message from YouTube. Mike Tober has posted a comment on your channel.  "You are an ignorant fu____g fool."  This guy doesn't know me, the only video I have posted on YouTube is a promotional video for a rehabilitation ministry, and the only videos I typically watch are how to videos or Christian music videos.  I do not post comments to my YouTube channel, didn't even know I had a YouTube channel.  I am just amazed at people these days.  I mean, what are we, 12? It made me mad, but it was one of those kinds of mad where you have to smile, and in your head you are going "really?".

Gonna try and get this apartment finished up today.  It is a large one, and I wasn't able to work yesterday, so this one is taking awhile.  Highly textured walls of rolled drywall mud.  It was a nightmare to cut in.  

Father, thank You for waking me up this morning.  Please help me to see and do something about the sin that is still in my life.  Please guide my steps and words throughout the day and cause me to be a blessing to someone else.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

Officially a resident...

Well I am officially a resident of Pennsylvania.  I got my state ID today, and they cut up my South Carolina ID.  Weird thing about PA though, the one they gave me has temporary stamped on it.  They will send me my permanent one through the mail.  Kind of a weird thing to do if you ask me, but they didn't.  

I got a haircut and did a little needed shopping, but that was about it for the day.  I didn't really get angry or sad, but I never really got happy either.  I guess it was one of those neutral kind of days that you just sort of plod through.  

That's about it.  I don't really have much to say tonight, so rather than just write to be writing I am going to watch a movie as I go to sleep.  G'night all.

Father thank You for helping me to accomplish things today.  Thank You for giving me work tomorrow.  Please strengthen me to obey Your precepts.  

In Jesus' name,
Amen  

Sometimes I Just Get Lonely...

Sometimes I just get lonely...  I have friends here, I have my son, I talk to my daughter every night, but sometimes I just get lonely.  It's like all of a sudden a void appears in my chest and I have nothing to fill it with.  I pray, and I wait.  I know that it will pass, but it is there none the less.  I know God will use it for both His glory and my benefit, but sometimes I just get lonely.

Tomorrow I am going to go find out what all getting my drivers license back is going to entail.  My main concern is the cost involved.  I know that back in SC it would have cost me around $500 to take the ADSAP course.  I know because I've had to do it before.  As I recall it was a fairly drawn out process, like maybe a month or more.  I am praying that it goes a little quicker than that here in PA, and I am also praying that it is a little less expensive.  I really need my license and a vehicle, but God knows that so I am not worried.  I know that he will light the path; all I have to do is follow.

I splurged tonight.   I broke down and bought a shoe shine kit that contained both black and brown polish, 2 applicators, and a brush.  I actually took quite a bit of time considering whether or not I could afford such an extravagant purchase lol, but I do have to watch every dime.  Literally.  I save all my change in a big water jug.  I have a pair of brown boots and a pair of black leather shoes, and both are in dire need of some polish so I gave in.  

I haven't started the NA paper yet, but I may start putting an outline together when I get finished with this post.  I have a basic context, but I don't want to go overboard so I am trying to come up with a way of saying what I want to communicate in the least words possible.  That's not an easy thing to accomplish because once I start writing, if the thoughts are flowing, I could end up with 2 or 3 pages before I realize it.  I guess I can always chop it up after I'm done.

Thats about it for tonight.  Tomorrow is another opportunity to do the next right thing if The Lord sees fit to create another tomorrow.  

Father, please heal my heart, help me to get past the pain and regret that so contaminates my mind.  In You I am a new creation, please help me to act accordingly.  Father, I lift my son up to You tonight, that You would draw him to You and help him to see his need for Your guidance.  I ask You tonight Lord that You would bless all my children with a hunger for the knowledge of You, and the redemptive grace that You paid so dearly for.  Thank You that you are sovereign, and that I don't have to worry about whether or not you really care about me.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

My Welcome! page is tonight's Journal

My Welcome! page is my journal entry for tonight...  I put more of myself into it than I thought was going to come out, and I certainly don't feel like rewriting it for my journal, so click the link...  Come on...  You can do it...

I found someone with a truck to help me get a couch and love seat that the church that hosts my home group is giving me.  I didn't think it was gonna happen, but God stepped in.  I'm gonna go this afternoon and pick them up.
Not much on the agenda today, just a little painting.  I think that this afternoon I am going to try and write an article for the NA literature subcommittee on Triumphs and Tragedy.  I guess we will find out in my evening post whether or not I actually wrote the thing.  If I do, I will post it here under the Articles tab.

Father, thank You for waking me up this morning.  Please guide my steps, thoughts, and words throughout the day.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

One step closer...

I got my reply today from the SC Interstate ADSAP agency today.  I was accepted into their program.  Now all I have to do is to contact a certified alcohol and drug abuse counselor or state-certified DUI evaluator, provide the counselor or evaluator with the enclosed IADSAP Provider Referral Letter, obtain a face-to-face interview for clinical assessment, complete all education and/or treatment recommendations, instruct the treatment provider to return the enclosed Recommendation for Relicensing form to the ADSAP office, and sign a Release of Information form.  Oh yeah, failure to complete the program within a 2 year period will result in ordering a new packet with a new fee and a new driving record...  What a blessing!

It actually is a blessing, I'm just having a little fun.  There are always consequences to our actions.  I may be forgiven by God, but the State of SC wants a little more.  What it actually boils down to is an evaluation and 16 hours of classes, and attend a few NA meetings... and money of course.  I've got the NA thing covered.  I was actually expecting a lot worse.   From what I understand, the classes are either 1 full weekend (2 eight hour days), or 2 different Saturdays.  Something close to that anyway.  God is good, at least I am breathing.  I could have died in that motorcycle accident.  Come to think of it, there were many times when I was under the influence that I could have died, but God always had his hand on me.

We had a speaker tonight at the meeting.  It's funny (well, maybe not that funny) how our stories can all be so different, yet all be the same.  The circumstances and particulars vary from member to member, but a few things remain the same.  We all have gained and lost, hurt the ones we love, and finally come to a point where we just surrendered our wills and lives over to God.  I have yet to meet a member with any clean-time longevity that said he doesn't believe in God.  When I need a little "experience, strength, and hope", I know just where to find it; at a speaker meeting.

Father, thank You for the program of Narcotics Anonymous.  I know that it is a program given by You, and that it is a tool to draw the sick and hurting to Your healing embrace.  Thank You for giving me the opportunity to escape the seemingly unescapable grip of addiction.  Please be with my children and Anne as we navigate this thing called life that You have so graciously given us.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

God as we understand Him

Good morning everyone!

You know, I wonder if you just require less sleep as you get older.  I would have thought it was the other way around, that the older you get the more sleep you need.  5:30 rolled around this morning and BING!, I'm wide awake...  I have no reason at all to get up that early.  Even with my devotions, Just For Today, and journaling getting up at 7:00 still gives me plenty of time before I have to leave for work.  That may change once I get my license straightened out, but for now I have to ride with my son, and we don't leave til almost 9:00.

The JFT this morning talked about turning our will and lives over to the care of God as as we understand Him.  Many Christians have a problem with that aspect of NA, and in the past I was part of that crowd.  I finally, through examining my faith and observing others evidence of faith, came to the conclusion that even as Christians our understanding of God differs.  We all understand God differently.  As Christians our basic doctrine is the same, but we develop our understanding of His character as we go along.  And let me just say this; it is much easier to give the gospel to someone who is clearheaded than it is to someone who is in active addiction.  I have heard many testimonies of people who joined NA as an atheist, and after getting clean came to see the Truth of who God and Christ are, and were saved.

We are supposed to be moving from this house we are living in sometime soon, but I am kinda worried that the money just isn't going to be there and the move is going to turn into a mess.  Please pray Gods guidance and protection over this endeavor.  My life is just now beginning to stabilize, and it looks like it is going to become unstable again in a hurry.  

That's about it for this morning.  I pray that you have a blessed day, and that you grow closer to God minute by minute.

Father, please strengthen my dependence on You, and my courage to face the unknown.  Help me to walk a path that You lay before me, not one that I pave myself.  Please put people and circumstances in the lives of my children that will cause them to know Truth.  

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Wow! Viewers all over...

This is just a quick note.  I was checking the site stats and very surprised that I have viewers not only in the United States, but also the United Kingdom, Germany, China, and Ireland.  The number one browser for entry to this site has been mobile Safari.

You just never know who might be reading your stuff!

Thanks guys for your interest.

Sunday Morning

I slept fairly well last night.  I didn't wake up for good until about 8:30 which is good for me.  I am usually up before 7 whether I am working or not.  My son is still here and it is 10:45 so he must have the day off.  I wish he would have told me, I sure would liked to have gone to church.  I really hope that my license gets sorted out soon.  I get plenty of preaching and teaching, but it would be nice to get together with other believers once in awhile...

New Living Translation (©2007)
And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near     Hebrews 10:25

I don't really have anything on the agenda for today besides doing some laundry and maybe a little cleaning.  I will again try to take a nap but that hasn't been working out very well for me lately.  I took a sorta nap yesterday, one of those naps where you may be dreaming but you are still aware of your physical surroundings.  It's not very restful.  I keep getting an anxious feeling that I haven't been able to identify yet.  Maybe the Lord just wants to see how I operate under that condition.  Circumstances, emotions, relationships...  All that changes frequently and it is up to me and my conscious contact with God to navigate successfully those changes.  No matter how I am feeling, no matter what is going on in my life, just for today I am not going to use.  Just for today I am going to concentrate on doing the next right thing.  Gotta love those slogans that you hear every day.  They are extremely simple, but they are also extremely effective.  I guess that is how they get their longevity.

Father, thank you for another day above ground.  Not that it wouldn't be better to be with You, but I have another chance to see my son and daughter grow and mature, and for that I thank You.  Thank You for a roof over my head, and a bed with warm blankets.  Thank You for clothes and the ability to keep them clean.  Thank You for the work that You provide, and the abilities that it gives me.  Thank You that You are You, despite me being me.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Evening

It's been kind of a weird night.  Our meeting tonight seemed kind of out of whack...  and for some reason I was nervous.  I don't get nervous too often any more, but tonight I did.  I can't really say what made me uneasy, maybe it was the issues people were dealing with, maybe I was subconsciously working on something and the feeling was the product of that effort.  I don't know.  I do know that I tend to get nervous if the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me something and I haven't yet figured out what it is.  It usually means there is something inside of me that I need to deal with.  I guess I will just wait for the heat to turn up and see what kind of impurities float to the top.

Tony's ex girlfriend seems to have flipped a little bit, and I need to pray for her.  If you are reading this, please pray with me in my ending prayer.  I try to pray for people as they come to my remembrance.  I no longer just promise people I will pray for them, because sometimes I forget, and that basically makes me a liar.  I got a tip some years back from someone else who has memory issues, and it works great.  He told me not to promise to pray, but promise that you would pray as they come to your remembrance.  Bravo.

I spent a few hours this morning writing the What Are My Motives article.  I know the finished product doesn't look like a lot, but a lot of thought went into it.  Maybe my subconscious is still working on it and that is the source of my nervousness.  Who knows.  I haven't checked the moon tonight, but if it is full I have my answer.  I have always been adversely affected by the full moon, no joke.  My daughters mom could always tell if it was a full moon just by the way I was acting, even in the daylight.  Weird, huh?

That's about it for tonight.  Looking forward to another relaxing day tomorrow, and another chance to do the next right thing.

Father, I pray tonight that you would put Your hand firmly on this young lady in her difficulties. I pray that you would heal her mental wounds and draw her to you.  Help her to see that it is only through You that she will become whole.  I pray that You would reveal to me the source of my anxiety this evening and provide me with the remedy.  I ask that You watch over and protect all my children, and strengthen Anne in Your Word.  

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Did you see that?

This is a video i made when I had some free time on my hands.  It definitely falls into the "Just For Fun" Catagory....  Hope you like it!

What are my motives?

As I grow in grace, I am becoming more aware of my motives.  Though my words my be right in response to someone I may be in disagreement with, if the intent of my words is to "show them", or inflict harm, then the validity of what I have to say is made null.  On the other hand, if I neglect to say something in an effort to protect someones feelings, I do a disservice to God and that person.  

The Word is a tool that cuts, but that doesn't mean I have the right to use it to hurt someone.  There is a difference.  Recently, around the Christmas holiday, I engaged in a very unprofitable text and email conversation with the mother of my daughter.  I was in an emotionally charged state, and rather than take the advice of my sponsor and just let it be, I felt that I had to justify my position by using scripture and Gods moral law as a weapon.

"For the Word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword. Piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and the morrow. And is a discerner of the thoughts and intents o f the hearts." Hebrews 4:12

And it wasn't merely to justify myself.  If I had left my motivation there I would probably have been okay, but part of the motivation was to inflict emotional harm.  I had inklings of my motivation during this exchange, but it was not until I became clear-headed again that I was able to see the full extent of my motivation.  Although I believe the things I said to be true even now, the motivation and delivery were wrong.  The words were not said out of love and a desire to see her grow closer to God, they were selfishly motivated.

"And is a discerner of the thoughts and intents o f the hearts."

My intentions backfired, and it was I that got cut. The Holy Spirit began whispering to me about my motivation.  I became preoccupied with my motives.  Even here, in the writing of this article, the temptation is to justify myself; to make the reader see my side of things, but the Spirit has begun giving me a literal, I even want to say physical warning sensation when my motives are out of check.  If I feel that, I have to stop and examine the "what" and the "why" of whatever I am about to say.

I have been going through sort of a paradigm shift In my Christian walk.  I have attended a few different churches that would be classified differently, i.e. Pentecostal, Charismatic or Word Faith, and to a small extent Fundamentalist.  I am moving out of the Charismatic genre for my meat, and into I guess you would say Calvinist Fundamental expository.  I still enjoy Charismatic churches for worship, mainly worship through music because I believe that having a profound emotional experience is good for the soul from time to time, but I can no longer justify trying to maintain an emotional state as evidence of my Christian walk.  Emotional response is not a validation of truth, pure and simple.

In a recent Facebook post I received sort of a challenge in the form of a comment.  I'm not going to go into detail here, but let me just say that my post and response to the comment were accurate, or at least accurate to where I am in my walk with Christ at this moment in time.  In writing my response, I felt I was justified and well within the confines of God's Word concerning how we as Christians are to communicate with each other.  I do not believe in the "live and let live" philosophy that so many churches are adopting in order to deal with differences in doctrine.

"Here is a typical letter, and I'm quoting, written to us. "Please reconsider your policy of dealing with the Charismatic movement and other controversial topics on your radio broadcast. Though we share your convictions on these issues, many of our listeners do not. These people are dear brothers and sisters in Christ and we do not feel it is helpful to the cause of Christ to attack what they believe. We're committed to keeping peace among brethren and unity in the Body of Christ. Thank you for being sensitive to these concerns."

It is not helpful to the cause of Christ to attack error anymore. That's what it says. It is not helpful for these dear brothers and sisters in Christ to attack what they believe even though it is wrong. It is more helpful, under this philosophy, to let them remain in error. We are committed to keeping peace, even if peace means error and finding unity even if unity means heresy. Thank you for being sensitive to our desire to maintain heresity if it must be maintained for the sake of unity."

      -John MacArthur

The only problem is that later I felt that small tingle from the Holy Spirit that my motives might have been a little off, or I had a desire not to hurt the other persons feelings.  I can't at this point discern which.  This brings up the question: How do we as Christians communicate Truth to each other when our understanding of Truth differs?  One thing I do know, if we go into it with an "I'll show you" attitude, we do more damage than good.  It looks like I have found a topic of future study.

I have pride issues... I wish that wasn't the case, but I am starting to see that it is true.  I don't want pride clouding my service to God.  I don't want pride getting in the way of what He is trying to do in my life.  I have a hard road in my immediate future, and I want to be able to travel it in humility, love, and confidence.

I also have motivational discernment issues...  I know that I need to learn the difference between selfish motivation, and just not wanting to hurt someones feelings, they are both bad motivation to either say or not say something.  During my marriage, I had to be very careful of what I said to my wife because she was very sensitive when it came to comments about her actions, behaviors, words etc.  One of the ways I failed in my duties as a husband and as priest of our home is that in an effort to protect her feelings I never brought anything to her that might be spiritually beneficial if I thought it would hurt her feelings.  In hindsight, this did her an injustice.  Feelings are temporal, but God's truth is eternal.  Feelings may get hurt, but that hurt will eventually be replaced with growth.  Like I have heard so many times, The Truth hurts, it was designed that way.  But it is also liberating.

To the person who responded to my post, if you are reading this, please accept my apology for offending you if that is the case.  I enjoy an open dialogue about beliefs, even if they differ.  You are my sister in Christ, and I respect you as such...

Morning

I've been listening to Jesus Culture this morning.  Those guys can lead you  into a spirit of worship like nobody's business.  I have a habit of posting lyrics I hear that impact me to Facebook, and though I posted a few this morning, I had to resist the urge to post many more.  I am trying to actually live my life in a spirit of worship, but life, as we know, tends to get in the way and distract us.  I am realizing that it is possible to worship no matter what is going on in your life, as long as focus on God is maintained.  God is there through everything, wants to guide and comfort us through everything, and has the answer to everything we may go through.  He IS the answer to everything we may go through...

Father, teach me what it is to live a life of worship.  Teach me to not look for a "magical experience", but to realize that this entire dimension you have built for us IS the wondrous experience.  Teach me to worship in power and truth, and to live boldly in Your Word.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

Evening

So I guess you could say today has been a fairly productive day.  I looked at 3 apartments, opened a checking account, went out to lunch for the first time in months, and did some shopping.  I got a few nice things at the Goodwill store...  I love those resale shops.

My son is going through some stuff with his ex girlfriend.  The bought a car together (first mistake), and he let her put the title in her name (second mistake).  Anyway, he had it parked permanently at the shop where it works because it doesn't run.  She said she was going to sell the car.  He told her that she couldn't until she paid the storage fees to the shop.  She then distracted him, and had the car towed.  A lot of this could have been avoided by keeping all their stuff separate.  It is hard enough for married people, let alone two single people to divide or claim mutual items.  You live and you learn...

I'm in good spirits, worked on some digital art for awhile this evening.  Some of my handiwork can be seen on the Welcome! page and on the journal pages.  The Jesus pic, not the NA emblem.  I ate a great salad today, first time in awhile.  It was kinda expensive though, but it was all you can eat soup and salad.  I haven't been to a restaurant in months, and it was a nice treat.

That's about it for tonight.  I have my blog pretty much the way I want it for now, so now it is time to apply myself to some legitimate content.  I am going to post some articles concerning bible study, but not tonight.

Thank You Father for the many blessings You have bestowed upon my family and myself.  Help us to see our need and see our Savior.  

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Morning

I had a blast yesterday working on this blog.  I worked on it literally all day.  When it got to be night I started getting a little aggravated with a couple things, and I said to myself "self, the minute you become aggravated with this is the minute it is time to call it quits for the night".  So I did.  The funny thing about that is, when you take your conscious focus off of something it gives your subconscious room to breathe and work, and the answer to the problems will usually just pop into your head when the subconscious finishes computing the answer.  Isn't God amazing?  He designed us so that our mind performs background operations without us having to put any effort into it.  Wow...

If I can get my son up (it's his day off) we are supposed to go look at a couple apartments, open bank accounts, and go grocery shopping.  We have a pretty full day of stuff to do.  I even may get a haircut.  I feel pretty good, though I do miss Anne and my daughter.  I don't think that will ever change, and at least animosity doesn't have a foothold in my heart any longer.  Satan tries to keep us down any way he can.  The battlefield is truly in the mind.  That is why both Christianity and Narcotics Anonymous push community and guidance, Christianity through discipleship and mentorship, NA through sponsorship and a "we".  We are able to get an untainted view of our thoughts and actions, both past and future from those we love and trust.  My sponsor is like a master at seeing past the emotional turmoil to a calmer, more rational outcome for most situations.  If I didn't have his guidance, well, I would be guiding myself.  Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, rolled the T-shirt up and smoked it...  You get the picture.

Father, thank you for my sponsor, and the "we" you have put into my life.  May my circle of clean, forward looking friends continue to grow exponentially.  Please have Your Spirit whisper words of comfort in the ears of my friends Chris S David W, Bill, Lynn, and Anne.  Times may be tough, but You are sovereign. 

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Untitled, from a 2009 draft...

Hello all, It has been a little while since my last post but it is not due to anything going wrong, in fact life is getting better every day. I feel extremely blessed, and I am looking forward to what God has in store for my future and the future of my family. I would like to extend a special hello to Chris Sorrells and Amy Hofmeier. I have known you guys for a long time, and we all have been through much. You both are in my prayers, and you hold a special place in my heart.

Here at Homes of Hope, we have been doing a study called Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. The study deals with the wildness that was instilled in men by God, and how we do or don't deal with it. The study culminated with a short retreat at the Wesleyan youth camp near Table Rock. We had a great time in the Lord, and a great time of food, fun and fellowship. At one point we were asked 3 questions and sent off by ourselves for a couple of hours to hear from the Big Man Himself. The questions were as follows:

1. What is my purpose

2. What have I received during my time at Homes of Hope

3. What do I still need to change about myself

As far as my purpose is concerned, I asked God to show me the grandiose vision he has for me, and He was silent. I asked Him how I was going to impact the world, and He was silent. Finally, I asked Him How I could best represent Him, and he told me to be the priest of my house. He told me to be a Holy example to my wife and daughter. This is my purpose until further notice. Oddly enough I am completely at ease with this. I am not afraid of small beginnings, and though I will be turning 43 this year, I feel like I am just now becoming a man, just now becoming the man God wants me to be, and just now becoming the man my family needs me to be. I am including video responses to the other 2 questions. For those of you who don't know, I lost a front tooth in a work related accident, and have since broken the plate that was made for me, so don't be surprised at the missing tooth! I am also posting some pictures from the retreat, which included Pretty Place at Camp Greenville, and Lake Keowee. The wrap-up is done by Ted Cochran, the director of operations at Homes of Hope, and the man most responsible for the curriculum and welfare of the interns and intern program.

Anne is about 26 days into a 40 day fast, and I know that this is about where it starts getting really rough, not that it hasn't been rough on her already. I am praying that God will reveal things to her that were previously hidden, and grow her past the point that she expected to be at. God likes to exceed expectations, and I know he will do so for her. Please pray for her as she comes to remembrance.

1/9/2013 Morning

I learned something about the greenhouse effect yesterday.  I work in a lot of apartments without electricity, so I had to come up with a way to keep my sandwich meat cold while I working.  I realized I could put it in a large zip-loc bag and put it on the windowsill and it would stay frosty.  I did that yesterday, but I didn't take one thing into account; the sun.  A sealed bag on a white sill in direct sunlight with sandwich meat in it does not stay cold even if it is cold outside.  It actually got warm.  I was hungry.  I ate half of a sandwich made with the meat, and didn't finish it because it tasted weird.  Did I mention it was chicken?  Anyway, the point is that I have a tumultuous stomach this morning and am not working.  We don't have any paint anyway, so I guess if I had to get sick, the timing was perfect.

I listened to a few Ravi Zacharias talks yesterday.  I didn't realize how much I missed listening to him.  He is a Christian apologist, and has an amazing grasp of what it is to understand God.  I have been listening to him for years, long before I began to listen to John MacArthur.  I say listening, but listening isn't always hearing.  Even my buddy was able to appreciate the messages.  I have included a widget in the right hand pane for anyone else who would like to get their Ravi on... 

You know, I don't think there has been a point in my life where all of my waking moments are focused on God and recovery like they are now.  That is literally almost all I think about, and my other thoughts are always filtered through those two subjects.  Something is happening in my heart.  Everything makes me tear up, even the most mundane topic.  It can be a little embarrassing being all teary eyed while I am working, but you know what?  I don't really care what anyone else thinks because I know what the Lord is doing in my life.

Today is going to be spent mainly working on this blog.  I have found it a good outlet to maintain my focus where it needs to be.  I was surprised to find the multitude of avenues that I go down concerning the topics of God and recovery when I began putting some serious effort into maintaining this blog.  I know that at some point I may lose interest and have to find a different outlet to help me to stay focused, but for now this is working just fine.

Father, thank You for showing me what the actual process of renewing my mind feels like.  Thank You that my mind no longer feels like a jumble of chaotic thoughts and noise, and that I am beginning  to experience an inner quiet.  I have only You to thank.  Please keep Your hand upon all my children and draw them ever closer to you.  Please cause me to be a light to those I come in contact with.  Please show Anne and I the road to peace and cooperation. 

In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen 

01/08/2012 Evening

Well, I guess today is just a day of short posts.  I am committed to writing something every day, both morning and evening, so here it is "something".  There, all done...  No, I'm just kidding but I am sleepy.  I have been playing with this blog all evening, since I got off of work.  I tend to get carried away and lose track of time when I am doing this kind of thing.  I really enjoy it and time flies.  The only thing I didn't add much of is content.

The day went smoothly, my buddy was clean today, or at least lacked any outward signs of having been using, and he was going to a meeting tonight. I believe he probably made it there okay.  I hope he can get it back on the tracks.  Lots of prayer is all I really know to do for him, I know that when the disease takes over we get pushed into some dark recess of the mind and are powerless to do anything about it, or at least it is extremely difficult.

Thank you Father for the blessing of another day, and another day clean.  Thank you that you have brought me to a place where I can be able to do things like this blog, and not have to focus on feeding my addiction.  There is a saying Father "Where there's a will there's a way", but it should be more accurately translated "Where there's Your will there's a way".  Thank You that You Are...

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Tuesday Morning

Super short post today, I'm kind of running late.  I got to reading some articles online and the time just got away from me.  I'm feeling good, no issues, complaints, or concerns.  It's times like this that I keep waiting for the unseen ax to fall, but I serve a big God, and though I don't know the future He does, and He is more than adequate to equip me to walk through whatever may come.

Thank you Father for waking me up this morning.  Please watch over the ones I care about as well as myself, and draw us all into the comfort of your waiting arms...

In Jesus' name,

Amen

Monday Night

God must really be testing me.  It is weird to say that God could be testing me through others actions, but God is huge, and that definitely would not be beyond his scope or character.  First I find out that a good friend of mine from the fellowship here has relapsed, and is continuing in his addiction.  then I find out that a friend of mine died from this disease.  Then I find out that another friend has been using for awhile and beat up his wife and is on the run from the law.  Now I find out that my temporary sponsor and oldest friend has relapsed, but is now clean again.  I know that these aren't my issues, but how I deal with the information is.  I could very easily, especially in the midst of the divorce I am going through, decide to throw in the towel.  Well, I say easily, but that is not exactly what I mean.  I guess what I mean is that there was a time when I would use the knowledge of all these incidents as an excuse to use myself.  Thankfully though, my mind is in a better place, and despite all that stuff I am actually feeling pretty good.  In the meeting tonight we talked about how clean time doesn't equal recovery.  Recovery is a state of mind and way of life.  It is about honesty and caring.  It is about discovering our character defects and doing something about them.  It is about living life.  All being clean means is that you haven't used.  I thank God for recovery, especially the recovery I have found here in Pittsburgh.

Tomorrow is a new day, another chance to do the next right thing.  I had no desire to drink today, and I pray  that I wake up tomorrow and do the same thing.  Not that I have done everything perfectly, but I try to live up to the man God wants me to be.  I haven't done much of that in the past, but I am thankful that I serve a God of Grace and a God of second chances.

Father thank you for giving me the ability through the Holy Spirit to make better decisions, to think things through, and to fight temptation or other influences that creep into my life.  Thank you for all you have done and all You will do.  Father, please draw the people I mentioned above to You, and instill in them a desire to serve You.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Monday Morning

Saturday night at my meeting I shared on how I hadn't had a using dream in awhile.  I was having a good many of them, and then I had a "turning it down" dream, and haven't had one since.  Until last night.  I believe  that Saturdays conversation is what triggered it.  That happens to me a good bit, my dreams get triggered by recent events or conversation.  Needless to say, I was very thankful when I woke up.  Otherwise I slept fairly well; I think I only woke up a couple times, and then not for very long.  I hope this is the new trend.

My boss is giving my friend one more chance to do the right thing in order to keep his job.  As much as I love the guy, I can't let him hinder me from moving forward career-wise.  I hope he can get his head in the game, but I am not going to count on him for much of anything until I see that he is serious about his staying clean.

The NEASCNA Literature Subcommittee is looking for people to write articles for their publication, and I am considering giving it a shot.  The topic is "Triumphs and Tragedy".  I am experiencing both of those right now, at the same time, so I actually might have something to say that might encourage someone.  At any rate, pray for me that God gives me the words He wants me to write.

That's about it for this morning.  Love you all...

Father,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as You did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Sunday Evening

Well, I tried to take a nap today.  I kinda slept, kinda didn't.  I had another dream, another one of those "good dreams that I don't want to be having" kind of dreams.  I guess that I know the source of my sleeplessness now, as much as I hate to admit it.  I guess I just didn't realize how deeply Anne is ingrained into my heart.  It doesn't seem to matter what I tell myself, or even what I am thinking while conscious, when I go to sleep all that changes.  This sucks....

I worked on this blog basically all day today.  I added a framed in version of John MacArthur's sermons page, an automatically updating Just For Today page, and a picture slideshow that links to a Picasa web album.  It has been quite some time since I coded anything in html language, but it came back fairly quickly, with some help from other bloggers.  I hope to add some other relevant information, but I am going to wait until I know what I want.  I don't just want to be trying to fill up space.  The only issue I ran into in the final product is that the picture slide show will not display on mobile devices.  No biggie...

I got a bit of bad news, and I guess you could say good news today.  My oldest friend, the guy who temporarily sponsored me right before I moved to Pennsylvania, lost his job.  Then he relapsed.  The Lord has really been laying him on my heart lately, and I have been trying to get a hold of him to no avail.  Now I know why on both counts.  I talked to him for about half an hour today.  He is really broken up, but that is as it should be.  If it didn't tear us up, we wouldn't come back.  He allowed me to pray for him.  He has a daughter who is like 11 or 12 and is very aware of his struggles.  I didn't ask how she fit into the relapse, but I'm sure he will tell me when the time comes.  In the way of good news, he now has 2 days clean and just got back from a convention in Ashville.  I just pray that he finds his footing again.

That's about it for tonight, tomorrow is a new day, another chance to do the next right thing.  Oh yeah, I did some research on online seminary schools.  I'm thinking about going for my bachelors and maybe more.  I would like to go into Christian rehabilitation counseling at some point, and they offer Christian counseling as a course.  The school I am looking at is accredited, and the fees are extremely reasonable.  I can't afford it now, but God is big.

Father, thank you for the trials you put before us, I know that it is through trials that all the junk is burned out of our spirits.  Please hold the hand of my friend who relapsed, and guide him into spiritual strength.  Please watch over my children, and draw Anne close to you.  

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Sunday Morning

I slept horribly last night.  No bad dreams that I recall, but I kept waking up like every 30 minutes.  I am beginning to think that it may be physiological rather than psychological.  So needless to say, I am kind of foggy this morning.  I have been up since around 6:00, or I guess I should say that this is the time that I actually climbed out of bed.  I haven't even made my bed yet and it is almost 10:00.  Yes mom, you will be happy to know that I do make my bed every day.  There is just something comforting and clean about climbing into a made bed at the end of the day.  I don't know about other people, but I have to keep my environment orderly and clean in order to keep my mind orderly and clean.  If my room is a mess, then so follows my mind.

I am just going to work on my blog today, not necessarily posting, but adding some features like a photo gallery.  The gallery, if I am able to accomplish it the way I want, will contain automatic uploads from my camera, ALL the pics that I take, so it may be kind of boring, but I take a lot of pics and this will help serve as another backup.  I have 10 years of photos on a corrupted external hard drive.  I don't want that to ever happen again, so I backup through some free online cloud storage services as well now.  I am going to do wash, and maybe clean a little bit, but that's about it, it's a wrap...

Father, thank you that though I did not sleep well, You did allow me to wake up this morning.  Please help me today to stay focused even with a diminished mental capacity.  Please watch over and protect those I love and care for.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Evening

I feel good tonight.  I feel like the Lord is working some things out in my mind.  It must be Him, because I just suck (as in lemons!) at trying to accomplish the same task myself.  I can fix a lot of things in the physical world, but when it comes to my mind, I am my own worst enemy.  NA has taught me that our mind is a dangerous place to be without God, and I know it to be true.  It is a dangerous place to be with God if you refuse to listen to Him.  In that case, you just stay beat up all the time, because the Holy Spirit through your own consciousness will beat you to death, figuratively speaking.

I was having a conversation with my sponsor and his wife tonight about my emotions.  They have both been through a divorce, and it is a huge comfort to have two literate people who I trust completely to be able to talk honestly to.  I find out through them, as well as the program, that though I can't even define my emotions right now, I am reacting and acting normally.  I am not some sort of fiend because of the places my mind can take me, I am just working through my emotions and processing as God intended.  If the program of narcotics anonymous did nothing more than put people together to talk, I still believe it would succeed.  If you think about it, that is all it does do.  It gives people like me an environment of open communication, safety, and guidance.  I thank God every day for this program, for it truly is His program.

I really miss my daughter.  I think that missing her might be part of the trouble sleeping I have been having lately.  I sure hope to be able to see her come spring break.  I have got to start trying to save a little money to make that possible, but that is really hard to do right now.  Tony and I are looking at moving out of this house and into something a little easier on the wallet, but that is gonna take money as well.  I did find a nice couch and chair tonight, or actually it found me.  The pastors wife asked if we knew anyone that needed them, and yep, that would be me.

That's about it for tonight.  If you are reading this, please pray for me, and if you leave your name in the comment box I will pray for you as well.

Thank you Father that you are always with me, and that You always care.  Thank You for my sponsor and his wife, I honestly don't know where I would be mentally without them in my life.  Please continue to have Your hand upon them.  Thank you for the program of Narcotics Anonymous.  Thank you for my children, and the people you have put into their lives.  Thank You that Anne is one of Your own.  

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Morning

I woke up this morning in a bad mood because of the dream I was having as I woke up.  The dream wasn't bad, waking from it is what put me in the bad mood.

In this dream I don't remember much (you know how dreams fade quickly), I was standing behind Anne with my arms around her, kissing the back of her neck.  She was crying, not because she was sad, but because it was over.  By over, I don't mean the divorce had been finalized, but that we had called off the divorce, were getting back together, and everything was going to be alright.  That is how I woke up.  The truth is, I did not even know that was in me.  I thought I had managed to purge those feelings.  I thought I had moved on.  I don't want those feelings, and the sooner they become a distant memory the better.

It is gloomy again today, overcast and a chance of snow again tomorrow.  I like snow, but the sun shining on the snow makes for a much better mood.  I don't see how people that live in Alaska do it, I guess that is why addiction rates per capita are so high.  I think I am going to try and get some rest and sleep today.  I have been waking up early every morning, some mornings as early as 3am.  I was up at about 6 this morning, and I don't have any work or anything and would loved to have slept in, but there was that dream...

I know my heart and my pride are battling, I can sense it in my thoughts, see it in my actions, and hear it in my words.  My dreams are even showing the evidence.

English Standard Version (©2001)

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

I am just thankful that I see the war, though I sometimes lose individual battles.  The Lord knows my heart, and He knows my flesh as well, and I know that if I stay in constant prayer, He will give me the tools to eventually win the war. 

According to Robertson McQuilkin, author of Life in the Spirit[1], there are four steps to attaining victory over our old nature and establishing a battle plan.
1. We need to surrender “self” to the Spirit
2. Identify the source of temptation
3. Recognize the Roots of Sin
4. Acknowledge the Taproot

"the taproot of sin is from unbelief in the promises of God"   -John Piper

Father, help me today to recognize and trust You more.  Help me to stay "armored up" as I engage in spiritual battle.  Help me to recognize the way of escape as I face temptations in my own mind.  Help me to become the man that You designed me to be, and give me the strength to fight.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Evening

I have had some time, since I have been working by myself, to just listen to God.  I have tried to keep "an open line" with Him, if that makes any sense, and I have managed to get something settled in my mind and heart that has been bugging me.  I have come to the conclusion that though Anne and I don't really agree on who God is or what His characteristics are, that's okay.  Though Jude is only getting a view of God from one parents perspective right now, there will, God willing, be time for me to teach and explain God as I see Him. She is in a Christian school, and they are also teaching their perspective of Him.  Jude will at some point become mature enough to take the influences in her life and make her own decision.  One thing I have to keep in mind is that He is sovereign, and everything will happen according to His plan.  The best I can do is to make sure that I am doing my part to participate in that plan.  I know that gets a little fuzzy when you think about it, and can make you a little crazy, but I believe in predestination and election, and I also believe nothing happens outside of His plan.  As much as I hate it, all my actions up to this point were a part of His plan, as will my future actions be, however I decide to act.  That's a mind blower, but God is God and I am not and it doesn't behoove me to try to figure that one out.  I might just have to go there next when I get done with MacArthur's study of revelation.

I didn't quite make it in time for my meeting tonight.  I would have had to walk in the door right as it started, straight from work, and having not shaved for a few days.  I made a joke with my son about not wanting to walk in there looking like I just came off of a 3 day drunk.  Maybe it's pride, maybe not.  I had to go pick up my check anyway, and Tony was going out so nothing really meshed.  It is one of my favorite meetings, besides my home group, which I am chairing tomorrow night.

All in all it's been a good day.  I was able to talk a little more about my business proposal, and things are still up in the air but promising.  I am praying for my friend, I hope he made it to the meeting tonight, he said he was going.  Please pray for him, and anyone else suffering from the disease of addiction.  I can't explain it to someone who has never been there, but when you are in the middle of it, it becomes next to impossible to make the right choices.  Cunning and baffling.  It is only through God's grace that any addict is able to take the first step, and continue to do the next right thing.

Father, I thank you tonight for the peace you have brought into my spirit tonight.  Though it may be fleeting, I know it to be real, and I know it to be from You.  Thank You for the work You are doing in my life.  Thank You for keeping my daughter safe and happy.  Please make Yourself evident to my son, and If I am to be Your instrument to accomplish that, please make the way.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Morning

I woke up a little later then I have been, but still before my alarm clock.  I haven't been sleeping well.  This morning the dream I was having as I woke up was different.  It involved my family, but not family I spawned.  My mother, father, and sister were in it.  The dream was just weird.  I have been trying to see if there were any lessons about myself or my current state of mind to be gleaned from the dream, but I haven't come up with anything so far.  I know God has a habit of waking us up in the middle of the night to have a chat, but I don't know that this dream was one of those instances.  I guess that if I am supposed to take from this dream, then it will sort itself out as the day progresses. 

I've been having this weird feeling lately.  A feeling like though circumstances in my life may not be ideal, my heart is praising God.  The only way I can describe it is as a bitter-sweet praise.  It is something I am not used to, and I take it as a sign of a maturing heart.  In the past I have either been happy and praising God, or just kind of grudgingly going through the motions.  It feels like something solid and real that I can grab onto even in the midst of trials.  It is an amazing thing really, and I don't want to lose it.

I guess that's about it for this morning.  I know it is a little short, but my mind feels clear this morning, and I don't have unresolved issues swimming through my mind, though that could definitely change by the time I do my evening journaling. 

Father thank you that You are the God of peace.  Thank You that we can feel safe and calm in the midst of trying circumstances because of our relationship with You.  Thank you for the fellowship that you have led me into.  Please watch over and protect my children, and help Anne and myself as we try to walk as You would have us walk.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Evening

I have been fairly sure that a friend of mine, who recently relapsed and picked up a shiny new white keytag, was using again, and I turned out to be right.  I didn't want to be right.  This is the one situation where I would prefer to be wrong.  He texted me this morning informing me that he was going to the VA to get help for his addiction.  Great, wonderful.  The only problem with that is he is living with someone who to the best of my knowledge is in active addiction, the same person he has been using with.  I have always been told that if you hang out in the barber shop long enough you are going to get a hair cut, and that changing your PPT's is a must.  I made a huge change, all new people, complete location change, and things, well I was under a bridge, so any "thing" is a change from that.  What really bugs me about the situation is that I consider him my best friend, besides my son, who has been a better friend to me lately than anyone else in my life.  I need a best friend to confide in and share experience strength and hope with, but I can't open myself up too wide "lest I too fall by the wayside".  There are times when having a conversation with my old buddy Jack doesn't seem like such a bad idea, and if I happen to be that vulnerable just as the opportunity presents itself, I know I would be in trouble.  I am extremely protective of my clean time.  I flat out refuse to go back to the old ways, the old life.  I made a resolution to practice self denial.  It was a suggestion by my buddy John MacArthur, and it struck home.  Self denial takes practice.  You have to do it on a regular basis just to show yourself that you are in charge, not your flesh. 

Father, thank you that though I am weak you are strong.  Thank you for giving me a desire for You, and a desire not to use.  I pray for my friend, that you would use me to do a work in this mans life, lending what little experience strength and hope I may possess.  Protect me from the negative influences of the world and those around me, because I know that the only difference between a test and a temptation is you pass a test, to give in is to fail, and it is at that point that the test is no longer a test, but a temptation.  Father please watch over my children, and help me to become a blessing in their lives.  Please be with Anne as she faces the challenges of the days ahead.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen

Morning

     I woke up at 5:00 this morning.  I don't like waking up at 5:00 any morning.  When I woke up my mind went right back to some of the conversations my daughters mother and I were having yesterday.  I began this morning trying to figure out what really bugged me about the whole thing, and I have come to the conclusion that at least part of what is bugging me is her view of God's abilities.  She told me that some things are just broken, can't be fixed.  I hear stuff like that and wonder if we even worship the same God.  The God I worship is supremely sovereign, and a person with even a miniscule amount of faith can tell a mountain to move and God can honor that request.  Notice I did say can, not does or has to.  I guess what she is trying to say is that she has had her feelings hurt past the point of wanting to allow things to be fixed.  That I can understand, but to say things can't be fixed in my mind is just a cop out, and it limits God.  The other thing that really bugs me is that I always have to be right.  I always have to make her see why I am right.  It is really just immature garbage, and I want it out of my life.  I want to be able, if I feel I am right, to keep it between God and I and leave it at that.  I want to trust God more, and trust my own ability to change situations less.  I am not God, so why do I keep trying to be?

     I have decided that the best thing for me to do is not worry about trying to fix anything or build anything.  I tend to go overboard with my feelings, which leads to going overboard with my words.    The only thing I can do now is to follow Gods word to the best of my abilities, and when my daughter gets old enough to start asking questions, try to give her an honest answer for my thought processes and actions.  The bible says drunks don't get into heaven, and the bible says God hates divorce.  I don't want her being taught that active addiction is okay, and I don't want her being taught that divorce is always an option.  So, God has his work cut out for Him.  One thing I do know, He is big enough, and He is up to the task. 

Switching gears a little, I have submitted a business proposal of sorts to a friend who is in a position to make things happen.  If it is accepted, I will be able to support my children and might even be able to do things like see a dentist and buy some clothes, so please pray success over this enterprise...

Father, I pray that you continue to bring to the surface, like dross on the refiners gold, the impurities that stain my heart and mind.  I pray the same for Anne.  I pray protection over my children, but I also pray you bring the things into their lives that draws them nearer to you.  I pray that you would give my son a saving desire for You, and cause him to see that You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and that unless he holds the truth of this in his heart, he does not have You.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Evening

I've had a fairly good day.  John MacArthur was grinding his way through the book of revelation, and I slung a paint roller like a madman.  I rolled an entire apartment in 2 hours, then let it dry and did it again. 

I am a little disappointed with myself though.  Just when it seems communication between my daughters mother and I are going well, I let feelings and pride get in the way and say something stupid.  I really have got to take my sponsors advice and just let a sleeping dog lie.  I just need to get over it and move on.  I do okay with that most of the time now, but a song, memory, anything can upset the delicate balance I seem to be maintaining.  Life on life's terms.  I gotta keep that in mind. 

Tomorrow is another day, and another opportunity to do the next right thing.  I will do my best to remain humble and just accept things as they are because at this point blame and responsibility are kind of a moot point. 

This is a short post, I am feeling really drained and am going to bed.

Father, thank you that in spite of my pride and self will You are able to let me catch glimpses of who You are, and who I truly am.  Please help me to become ultimately caring, even at the expense of my pride and ego.  Please draw my children to You, and help them to discern the way that You would have them to go.  Please be with Anne, strengthen her to make the decisions you wish her to make.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Tuesday, 1/2/2013 - Morning

This seems to be my mindset for the new year.  I am trusting in God to work, but I am trying to remember that this is His creation, and that He does things in His own time.  I have people that I am praying for, people that I am not really seeing a change in, but I know God is sovereign, and in control of ALL things.

I'm going to work this morning, but my counterpart is not.  I really worry about this guy.  He has relapsed recently, and I discovered that he had actually been using for quite awhile but not telling anyone.  I guess what makes it hard is that he is the guy that I talk to everyday for extended periods.  We work alone together.  I consider him my best friend here in Pittsburgh.  He asked me, when he told me that he was using and I could tell he was still high, if I was still going to be his friend.  I thought about that, and have been thinking about that.  My answer of course was yes, but what that friendship would look like gets a little more complicated.  One thing I know I can not do is allow daily using to be a part of my life, even if it is not me that is using.  I can't get as emotionally invested as I would like to.  I can't open myself up to temptation because I am not what you would call a strong person in that area.  I have to protect myself.  I just hate to see people making  destructive choices, and that goes for myself as well.  My sponsor is good at looking down the road and seeing where my choices have the potential to lead me, and I trust what he tells me.  Anyway, he tells me he is sick, and he is not at his girlfriends house.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt, and pray for him, and I won't be accusing him of anything, I will just try to be supportive. (and do a little digging ;-)  I am responsible for me.

Father, I pray that You would do a work in this mans life.  I pray that You would get a hold of of his life and cause him to see his great need for You.  I pray that you do the same for all those I know, both those that are your children and those that are not.  I pray protection and guidance over my children, and I pray wisdom and discernment for Anne and myself.  I pray that today I am able to maintain my focus on you, and that my using or desire to use soon becomes a distant memory.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Tuesday, 1/1/2013 - Evening

I haven't done a lot today, it being the first day of the new year and all.  I did go to work for a few hours (bill collectors don't really care about holidays), and the apartment I am painting is ready to roll tomorrow.  Had a chance to text back and forth with my wife a little bit about something other than my addiction problems or our divorce, and I really enjoyed it.  It seems that no matter how hard I try to stay mad (I really don't try that hard), I just can't stay mad at her.  I don't believe God would want me to anyway, and I am doing my level best to do what he would approve of.  I can't speak for her, but I hope we can get this behind us soon and improve how we view each other.

I am kind of tired today, I've been getting more tired lately.  I think not seeing the sun for days on end might have something to do with it.  I wanted snow, and got it.  I didn't have a white Christmas, but had a few days before, and after, and there is still snow on the ground.  As a matter of fact it snowed again today.  I take plenty of vitamin c so i don't think I am sick, at least I don't feel sick.  I have been on an emotional roller-coaster for awhile now, and maybe it is just taking it's toll on me.  At any rate, I am going to go to bed early tonight, maybe really early, maybe within the next hour.  I need to talk to my daughter first, it is the bright spot in my evenings, and though she never has much to say, just the fact that she is on the other end of the phone keeps me going.

I was watching some YouTube videos that I have posted here on this blog, and when it was over, this video came up in the preview pane.  I watched it, and it just makes me sick.  I hate drugs, whether you drink them, smoke them, shoot them, or whatever...  I guess that is why I was disappointed to find out that my son drank last night.  I had hoped that he would go through life being able to say that he had never been drunk, kind of like a badge of honor, but we all have to live our own lives.

Father, I pray that You would guide me, that You would speak clearly to me, and that You would give me ears to hear.  I ask that you help me to keep my thoughts and words always above board.  I pray that you watch over my children and keep Your hands upon them.  I pray that you will be with Anne as she faces tough decisions.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Tuesday, 1/1/2013 - Morning

Well, I had an interesting night last night.  I did not sleep well at all.  I hope the night wasn't an indication of how my year is gonna go, but I guess even if it is it just more opportunity to past tests...  Between the fireworks going off and phone calls from my son about his girlfriend, or ex girlfriend, or whatever she is in reality it seems like I woke up every hour.

I am very optimistic about this coming year.  I brought up the topic of resolutions in my meeting last night, and I learned something.  Addicts don't tend to make resolutions for the new year, and the general consensus is that they don't do this because they make resolutions every morning when they wake up, so there is no need to do it at the beginning of the year.  I guess this is where the "Just for today" philosophy truly shows itself, and though I had never thought about it in this way, I have to say bravo.  God said in His word that we are not promised tomorrow, so there is no use worrying about it.  All we actually have is today, right now even.

English Standard Version (©2001)
yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

I will not drink today, that I know.  I make no promises about tomorrow, but I pray that I wake up tomorrow and am able to say the same thing.  

Father, I thank you for letting me see the beginning of a new year.  I thank you that you have brought me to a place and time that I am able to focus on you.  I pray that over the coming year You would increase my desire for You.  I pray that you would position me to be able to provide well for my daughter.  I pray for Anne that her love for You does nothing but grow.  Help both Anne and I to become people that those around us would call "of God", and be right.  Father, I pray that you would draw my son to you, help him to see his need for you, and give him the strength to act on that need.

In Jesus name,

Amen