My Welcome! page is tonight's Journal

My Welcome! page is my journal entry for tonight...  I put more of myself into it than I thought was going to come out, and I certainly don't feel like rewriting it for my journal, so click the link...  Come on...  You can do it...

Wow! Viewers all over...

This is just a quick note.  I was checking the site stats and very surprised that I have viewers not only in the United States, but also the United Kingdom, Germany, China, and Ireland.  The number one browser for entry to this site has been mobile Safari.

You just never know who might be reading your stuff!

Thanks guys for your interest.

What are my motives?

As I grow in grace, I am becoming more aware of my motives.  Though my words my be right in response to someone I may be in disagreement with, if the intent of my words is to "show them", or inflict harm, then the validity of what I have to say is made null.  On the other hand, if I neglect to say something in an effort to protect someones feelings, I do a disservice to God and that person.  

The Word is a tool that cuts, but that doesn't mean I have the right to use it to hurt someone.  There is a difference.  Recently, around the Christmas holiday, I engaged in a very unprofitable text and email conversation with the mother of my daughter.  I was in an emotionally charged state, and rather than take the advice of my sponsor and just let it be, I felt that I had to justify my position by using scripture and Gods moral law as a weapon.

"For the Word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword. Piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and the morrow. And is a discerner of the thoughts and intents o f the hearts." Hebrews 4:12

And it wasn't merely to justify myself.  If I had left my motivation there I would probably have been okay, but part of the motivation was to inflict emotional harm.  I had inklings of my motivation during this exchange, but it was not until I became clear-headed again that I was able to see the full extent of my motivation.  Although I believe the things I said to be true even now, the motivation and delivery were wrong.  The words were not said out of love and a desire to see her grow closer to God, they were selfishly motivated.

"And is a discerner of the thoughts and intents o f the hearts."

My intentions backfired, and it was I that got cut. The Holy Spirit began whispering to me about my motivation.  I became preoccupied with my motives.  Even here, in the writing of this article, the temptation is to justify myself; to make the reader see my side of things, but the Spirit has begun giving me a literal, I even want to say physical warning sensation when my motives are out of check.  If I feel that, I have to stop and examine the "what" and the "why" of whatever I am about to say.

I have been going through sort of a paradigm shift In my Christian walk.  I have attended a few different churches that would be classified differently, i.e. Pentecostal, Charismatic or Word Faith, and to a small extent Fundamentalist.  I am moving out of the Charismatic genre for my meat, and into I guess you would say Calvinist Fundamental expository.  I still enjoy Charismatic churches for worship, mainly worship through music because I believe that having a profound emotional experience is good for the soul from time to time, but I can no longer justify trying to maintain an emotional state as evidence of my Christian walk.  Emotional response is not a validation of truth, pure and simple.

In a recent Facebook post I received sort of a challenge in the form of a comment.  I'm not going to go into detail here, but let me just say that my post and response to the comment were accurate, or at least accurate to where I am in my walk with Christ at this moment in time.  In writing my response, I felt I was justified and well within the confines of God's Word concerning how we as Christians are to communicate with each other.  I do not believe in the "live and let live" philosophy that so many churches are adopting in order to deal with differences in doctrine.

"Here is a typical letter, and I'm quoting, written to us. "Please reconsider your policy of dealing with the Charismatic movement and other controversial topics on your radio broadcast. Though we share your convictions on these issues, many of our listeners do not. These people are dear brothers and sisters in Christ and we do not feel it is helpful to the cause of Christ to attack what they believe. We're committed to keeping peace among brethren and unity in the Body of Christ. Thank you for being sensitive to these concerns."

It is not helpful to the cause of Christ to attack error anymore. That's what it says. It is not helpful for these dear brothers and sisters in Christ to attack what they believe even though it is wrong. It is more helpful, under this philosophy, to let them remain in error. We are committed to keeping peace, even if peace means error and finding unity even if unity means heresy. Thank you for being sensitive to our desire to maintain heresity if it must be maintained for the sake of unity."

      -John MacArthur

The only problem is that later I felt that small tingle from the Holy Spirit that my motives might have been a little off, or I had a desire not to hurt the other persons feelings.  I can't at this point discern which.  This brings up the question: How do we as Christians communicate Truth to each other when our understanding of Truth differs?  One thing I do know, if we go into it with an "I'll show you" attitude, we do more damage than good.  It looks like I have found a topic of future study.

I have pride issues... I wish that wasn't the case, but I am starting to see that it is true.  I don't want pride clouding my service to God.  I don't want pride getting in the way of what He is trying to do in my life.  I have a hard road in my immediate future, and I want to be able to travel it in humility, love, and confidence.

I also have motivational discernment issues...  I know that I need to learn the difference between selfish motivation, and just not wanting to hurt someones feelings, they are both bad motivation to either say or not say something.  During my marriage, I had to be very careful of what I said to my wife because she was very sensitive when it came to comments about her actions, behaviors, words etc.  One of the ways I failed in my duties as a husband and as priest of our home is that in an effort to protect her feelings I never brought anything to her that might be spiritually beneficial if I thought it would hurt her feelings.  In hindsight, this did her an injustice.  Feelings are temporal, but God's truth is eternal.  Feelings may get hurt, but that hurt will eventually be replaced with growth.  Like I have heard so many times, The Truth hurts, it was designed that way.  But it is also liberating.

To the person who responded to my post, if you are reading this, please accept my apology for offending you if that is the case.  I enjoy an open dialogue about beliefs, even if they differ.  You are my sister in Christ, and I respect you as such...

A New Season, A New Life...

Tonight is the last night of 2012.  I have not posted anything to this blog in about a year, I would have to check the date of my last post, but that sounds about right.  A LOT has happened in the past year, and though I am not in the position I would like to have been in on this night, I do feel in my heart that I am in the position God wants me to be in, and I have made a commitment to Him to follow where he leads, from now on, through thick or thin.  I will filter my decisions through scripture, and do my best to act in a Spirit led mindset.

I have made a couple of new years resolutions, and one of them concerns this blog.  I am involved with Narcotics Anonymous now, and December 29th marked my 6 month anniversary clean.  My sponsor, as a Christmas present, gave me a blank journal and a pen (hint hint).  I got to thinking about my need to start doing some pen work, and then I remembered this blog.  I hate writing with a pen, and my writing is horrible, so I have decided to use this blog as a daily journal of sorts.  I don't really know what direction it might take, I only know how I plan to start.  The first thing I know I am going to use this page for is a morning and evening journal.  I will journal here in the morning, voicing feelings, concerns, where I'm at etc., and then at the end of the day I will review my day, and compare it to what I wrote in the morning.  This is a technique that I learned in yes, a rehab.  Another of my resolutions is to start doing the NA step working guides.  I will say up front that my sponsor gave me a copy months ago and I haven't even looked at the first page.  Yes, I procrastinate very well.  I may do the work online here, as blog entries, but that sounds kind of scary and depending on the nature of the questions may not work out in practice.

I do want to say up front that this blog is for me.  I haven't yet decided what I will do concerning whether or not to let people reply to my posts, make posts of their own, or simply make it a read only type of thing.  I am trusting God to dictate the flow.  Heck, I don't even know if anyone else besides my sponsor will read it.  That isn't really my concern at this point, like I said it is for me (so ironically, I am talking to my self right now, that's gonna take a little getting used to).  The grammar won't always be correct, nor the spelling, nor is that important.  I want to capture my thoughts as they flow and not be bogged down wondering if someone is going to think I'm an idiot because I don't get sentence or paragraph structure right.  Let me clear it up for you right now; yes I'm an idiot.  The important thing is that I am exploring who I am under God and through Narcotics Anonymous.  The important thing is that I see who I am, or at least who I think I am in black and white.  I would ask that if I decide to allow other posters here, please keep it clean, and positive.  I'm not saying I'm not going to talk about negative things, just that I do so looking for a positive and fruitful outcome.  If you are a family member, and you happen to read something about yourself, or how I am dealing with you etc., please do not get offended.  I am trying to be as honest as possible about how I am doing and feeling, and I will be as respectful as I can.  This will not be a place to do any bashing of any kind, unless it is bashing the devil, and yes, I do mean the actual devil, you know Satan, Lucifer, etc., and not someone I perceive as acting like the devil, unless I perceive them to be openly bashing God, then yes, I might have to have a go at them..

So I will end this post by saying hello and welcome back to me, and a big hello to anyone else who just happens to have nothing better to do with their time than read this blog. May this coming year be a year of growth, both spiritually and economically.

Newspring Church - Greenville Campus

Well, I'm officially offended.  I took my family to visit Newspring church this Sunday, their Greenville campus anyway.  We have never been there, and don't know anyone there.  We were greeted at the entrance to the sanctuary by a very perky greeter who proceeded to tell us about the childrens church.  Us being new, we had allready decided to stay together as a family for the service, at least on the initial visit til we felt comfortable with the place.  We explained to the greeter that we wouldn't be handing our daughter off to people we didn't know on our first visit, and would worship as a family.  We were told that staying together wasn't an option.  We either hand her off, or we sit outside the sanctuary in the overflow, or we leave.  I told her never mind, we would go to our own church... (North Hills Community, they like families)  Anne pointed out to me that it is a good thing we were already saved and have a church, because something like that would sure turn us off of church, and even hinder us from getting saved.  I can understand having a general rule for members that children attend childrens church, but to turn away a newcomer rather than let their child attend the service is just pathetic, and if this is your church, oh well...

Open Door Christian Center Promo Video

Hello all, I finally finished the promo video I have been working on for the center.  I tell you what, Sony Vegas is an insanely wonderful video editing utility.  Anyway, this video gives an overview of what the Open Door is all about, and that is being about our Fathers business.  Places like this exist all over the country, saving lives for Christ.  I owe this and other facilities like it my life, because it is only through Christ and these ministries that I am here today.  I love Jesus.  I finally know what it is to actually love Him and not just fear or know He is there.  I owe a debt of gratitude to Pastor Charles, Melinda, and all the other staff and interns who have helped me during my time here so far.  I thank God every day that He has been able to use my problems to help my wife grow strong in her relationship with Christ as well.  I know I am sort of rambling, but hey, when you you are in love you want to talk about the object of your affections, and I hope I never stop.  God bless you all (whoever "you all" may be ;-)

Almost forgot.  Tony, it was great getting back into contact with you.  I am proud of you, and very glad to hear that you are working in an area that you love.  You can do great things in life, but always remember that your Father in heaven has all the answers, and if you will just submit yourself to him always, you will grow to be happy and content, and He will pour blessings on your life.  I am living proof.  When I do things His way, my life becomes blessed, my way and... well you know.  I love you son.

Romans 7

I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not.  Isn't this also your experience?  Yes.  I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison.  What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.  So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.  But I need something more!  For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!

I realize that I don't have what it takes.  I can will it, but I can't do it.  I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.  My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions.  Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.  It happens so regularly that it's predictable.  The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.

I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight.  Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.  I've tried everything and nothing helps.  I'm at the end of my rope.  Is there no one who can do anything for me?  Isn't that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.  He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.  With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved.  Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud.

A new power is in  operation.  The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

Sound Familiar?  Love you all!

Sometimes a girl just needs to cry...

I’ve had one of those mornings… I awoke from a bad dream first thing this morning. I had dishes in the kitchen sink that had to be washed. The coffee maker was acting funky and brewed my coffee with grounds all in it. My girl would not move above the speed of a snail and it was picture day at school – so we had to be there early. Looked at yet another daycare, this will be # 12… Arrived at work ten minutes late, dropped a cup of coffee on my way to my office and it literally bounced off the floor and splashed all over my white sweater.

Have you ever had one of those mornings? Well, maybe not exactly but I’m sure you have had a rough morning in your lifetime. Did you feel like life was really crappy? Did you feel like no one cared? Did you feel like God didn’t care? I felt that way this morning. I had a little pity party for myself and I shed more than a few tears. And there was the little voice that backed me up – telling me I had a right to feel sorry for myself… but then there was another voice – Can you find your joy even in all of this?

And I did. The Lord reminded me of all I should be grateful for:
1. the warm, dry bed I had to sleep in
2. clean water to wash my dishes
3. electricity for my coffee maker
4. a little girl that is healthy and happy
5. a job, so that I can pay for all the conveniences in my life
6. And my God who did care for me – so much that he sent his Son to die for me.

So it was one of those mornings, but my God is bigger and better than any morning and I choose to believe that He will use even this day for His glory! I’m reminded that “sometimes a girl just needs to cry” (something my child tells me very often). And I’m also reminded that the Lord cares about those tears.

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

Open Door Christian Center Video

I thought anyone who happens to read this blog might be interested to see where I am at right now. ( Make sure you stop the Free Chapel video that I have on auto-play in the right hand applications pane first)  I made this video while I was still going through the program.  I made it with my wifes little still camera, so the video isn't that great, but hey, we work with what God gives us right?  I am now interning with the ministry, and I will have to say that I am in my element, and happy most of the time.  It can be a little stressful at times dealing with a bunch of drunks and drug addicts, but I am well equipped considering my own history, and I love these guys.  It can be heartbreaking at times, especially when I have to ask someone to leave because of rule infractions, but that is the nature of the beast.

I hope you enjoy the video, it is a little slice of what life here is like, and if you feel so led we are always looking for donations.  The Open Door Christian Center is a Christ centered, not for profit organization, ran primarily on donations and monies received by recycling cardboard in the community.  The men who go through the 3 month program do so at no charge, except in cases where they may be receiving social security or disability etc, and then ODCC does ask for a donation based on the amount of money they receive.

God bless you, and please pray for the guys here as well as their families who have been effected by the ravages of substance abuse.

No Need for Fear

Hi, this is Anne, Todd's wife, and I'm posting for the first time... hopefully I will be able to post often. I'm excited to share my journey as well. To God be the glory!!!

“Real freedom is freedom from fear, where you're truly free from guilt, from worry, from bitterness, and from death. You're free to quit pretending because you're free to be yourself. When you realize how much God loves you, you'll begin to live in true freedom. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear . . ." (1 John 4:18 NIV).” This is from a devotional that I read the other day. (Purpose Driven Life).

The Lord always brings to me just what I need, when I need it. I have had a lot thrown at me all at once, I’ve recently been making lots of decisions that will affect me and my girl. I’m begging the Lord to guide me, praying that I’m following His will, and freaking out in the process. I want to be bold and mobile – doing what is right and allowing others to see Christ in my actions. What tends to happen is that I’m timid and frozen. Why? Because fear creeps in and likes to take up residence in my being.

Frequently throughout the day I have to stop and remind myself that God is in control. When it comes down to it I fear “man” or more specific – I fear the judgment of man. I worry what others will think about what I have already settled with the Lord was right for my family. I feel guilty that I’m hurting others by obeying what the Lord has told me to do. It’s crazy, I know but “looking right” in the eyes of others has been a stumbling block for me since my fundamentalist upbringing.

Anyway, there are no coincidences... the Lord had this devotional just for me. And a voice from within said to me that there was no need for fear. And I choose to believe Him!

Mobile Test

I'm testing mobile blogging, so this is a really short post, but I may want to post a picture or something from time to time...

That's my King!

"That's My King"

The late Dr. S. M. Lockeridge, a pastor from San Diego, California

said these words in a sermon in Detroit in 1976:

My King was born King. The Bible says He's a Seven Way King. He's the King of the Jews - that's an Ethnic King. He's the King of Israel - that's a National King. He's the King of righteousness. He's the King of the ages. He's the King of Heaven. He's the King of glory. He's the King of kings and He is the Lord of lords. Now that's my King.

Well, I wonder if you know Him. Do you know Him? Don't try to mislead me. Do you know my King? David said the Heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament shows His handiwork. My King is the only one of whom there are no means of measure that can define His limitless love. No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of the shore of His supplies. No barriers can hinder Him from pouring out His blessing.

He's enduringly strong. He's entirely sincere. He's eternally steadfast. He's immortally graceful. He's imperially powerful. He's impartially merciful. That's my King. He's God's Son. He's the sinner's saviour. He's the centerpiece of civilization. He stands alone in Himself. He's honest. He's unique. He's unparalleled. He's unprecedented. He's supreme. He's pre-eminent. He's the grandest idea in literature. He's the highest personality in philosophy. He's the supreme problem in higher criticism. He's the fundamental doctrine of historic theology. He's the carnal necessity of spiritual religion. That's my King.

He's the miracle of the age. He's the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him. He's the only one able to supply all our needs simultaneously. He supplies strength for the weak. He's available for the tempted and the tried. He sympathizes and He saves. He's the Almighty God who guides and keeps all his people. He heals the sick. He cleanses the lepers. He forgives sinners. He discharged debtors. He delivers the captives. He defends the feeble. He blesses the young. He serves the unfortunate. He regards the aged. He rewards the diligent and He beautifies the meek. That's my King.

Do you know Him? Well, my King is a King of knowledge. He's the wellspring of wisdom. He's the doorway of deliverance. He's the pathway of peace. He's the roadway of righteousness. He's the highway of holiness. He's the gateway of glory. He's the master of the mighty. He's the captain of the conquerors. He's the head of the heroes. He's the leader of the legislatures. He's the overseer of the overcomers. He's the governor of governors. He's the prince of princes. He's the King of kings and He's the Lord of lords. That's my King.

His office is manifold. His promise is sure. His light is matchless. His goodness is limitless. His mercy is everlasting. His love never changes. His Word is enough. His grace is sufficient. His reign is righteous. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I wish I could describe Him to you . . . but He's indescribable. That's my King. He's incomprehensible, He's invincible, and He is irresistible.

I'm coming to tell you this, that the heavens of heavens can't contain Him, let alone some man explain Him. You can't get Him out of your mind. You can't get Him off of your hands. You can't outlive Him and you can't live without Him. The Pharisees couldn't stand Him, but they found out they couldn't stop Him. Pilate couldn't find any fault in Him. The witnesses couldn't get their testimonies to agree about Him. Herod couldn't kill Him. Death couldn't handle Him and the grave couldn't hold Him. That's my King.

He always has been and He always will be. I'm talking about the fact that He had no predecessor and He'll have no successor. There's nobody before Him and there'll be nobody after Him. You can't impeach Him and He's not going to resign. That's my King! That's my King!

Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory. Well, all the power belongs to my King. We're around here talking about black power and white power and green power, but in the end all that matters is God's power. Thine is the power. Yeah. And the glory. We try to get prestige and honor and glory for ourselves, but the glory is all His. Yes. Thine is the Kingdom and the power and glory, forever and ever and ever and ever. How long is that? Forever and ever and ever and ever. . . And when you get through with all of the ever's, then . . .Amen!

Zacharias speaks again...

Okay, so it's been a really long time since my last post, but to be honest, I have been busy with my family and the intern program at Homes of Hope.

My wife and I are learning a great deal about waiting on God, and doing things in His time. It has been almost two years now since our house burned down, and we are in the process of trying to buy another one, and though we would like things to happen quick, God has other plans it seems.

Tomorrow at church we are dedicating our daughter Jude, and we are all excited about it! Jude doesn't know quite what to think, but I told her that we were just going to get up and tell the church how much she loves Jesus and promise to always do what He wants her (and us) to do.

The Cleansing Stream mini retreat Call2Freedom for cleansing stream alumni happens next weekend in Atlanta, and as always the devil is wreaking havoc on our lives, trying to trip us up any way he can, I guess in hopes that we won't make the retreat. Not gonna work... I am going on the ministry team as an intercessor, and hopefully as an anointer to the next full retreat. Little nervous about that one, but the Holy Spirit always has my back!

My father passed away on the third of November. Growing up I never considered my dad to be a Christian, but in the couple years before he died he did make a profession of faith and told me that Jesus was his savior. I can't judge this, only God can do that, but I do know that we serve a just God, and things will be as they are supposed to be.

Thats it, short and sweet. I intend on posting more regularly, so if I don't feel free to call or email me and tell me to get on the ball! I love you all, and pray for you as you are called to my remembrance. God bless, and if you don't know where you will spend eternity, remember; you are going to live forever... where you spend the time is up to you!

Herky Jerky Christians

Came across this video while searching for some old Brownsville Revival footage. If you think Redemption World Outreach Center can get a little out of hand, take a look at what can happen in other countries when the Holy Spirit descends on a service. I want to understand God's weighty presence, as well as feel it manifested. I know what it feels like to have the Spirit descending on you like an ocean, and it can be a little scary. Just remember; in the book of acts, as spectators looked at the disciples being influenced by the Spirit, the only explaination they had for what they were seeing is that the disciples seemed to be drunk. When God manifests his power to us, our earthly vessels don't know quite how to handle it, and may operate beyond our control, and may seem to take on a life of their own, but God IS in control, and we should learn to let go and trust Him. This lesson is for all areas of our lives.

Are you ready to let go?

This next video is a testimony from the Brownsville Revival. I remember that when I went down to this church for the revival, you could feel the Spirit of God the moment you stepped on the property. This is the ONLY time in my life I have ever been slain in the spirit. I was very skeptical of that sort of thing, but this woman came towards me to pray over me, and when she got within like 2 feet of me I was knocked flat on my back. I got up going "Oh my God, what just happened?!" It was really freaky and hasn't happened again since, but I welcome the Spirit Should He choose to do it again!

That's it. I just thought you might like to see some old-school and some foreign-school worship. I hope all is well, and God bless you. God is in control, but it is up to you to walk it out!

Kingdom Mindset

Good morning.  It is early on a Saturday morning so this is going to be a short one.  I really only wanted to give you a taste of where I think God is leading me spiritually, and give you something to chew on until my next post.  Here it is in two words: Kingdom mindset.  While Jesus was here on earth he taught that He was the doorway to the Kingdom, but what He mostly taught was Kingdom politics.  He came to begin to establish the correct government here on earth.  I have lost sight of that, or don't know if I ever really had sight of that.  If I focus too much on the doorway to the Kingdom, I just may miss the dynamics of the Kingdom.

Look at it this way.  (Please don't take offense at this example, it is for demonstration purposes only ;-)  If a car salesman got on tv and talked only about the gate to his car lot, how big the gate is, and how expensive, how clean, how pretty, how intricate, etc... and ended by saying "So come on down and see us," without ever talking about his cars, few if any people would go because all he talked about was his gate, not his cars.  We still know nothing about his product.  

I want a Kingdom mindset.  I want to be a God focused, God fearing, God loving husband, father, and son.  That is where I am this morning.  Where are you?

Illness and God-in-a-box

Well, I am sick as a dog, but God is still good! As you can see by my picture, I am feeling a little on the loopy side. I took a couple cold pills but they don't seem to be doing much of anything but making me sleepy. Oh well, such is life... Anyway, I am praising God in the midst of illness, and I hope that whatever you may be going through isn't bigger than your view of God at the moment. Our God is ALWAYS bigger than we can ever comprehend, it is only in our mind that He becomes small.

1 Kings 8:27 But will God indeed dwell on the earth? Behold, heaven and the highest heaven cannot contain You, how much less this house which I have built!

It takes a carpenter to build a house out of wood, but we all can build houses, or boxes if you will, in our minds. I have in the past built boxes that I though would hold our God. Much like the old TV show I dream of Genie, I thought I could keep God in this box and bring him out when I needed something. I say no more boxes! God isn't going to dwell there anyway, so why waste my time building them?

My wife is killing me...

I want to relate an incident that happened on a recent Wednesday night at church. To give you a bit of background leading up to the event, let me just preface by saying that my wife grew up in a fundamental Baptist family, and went to schools that demonstrated the same values. The Holy Spirit seems to be more of a theological topic of discussion rather than a cut and dry reality in these sort of circles. After my first run in with the Holy Spirit at this new church, I have been praying that the Spirit do a work in my wife in a mighty way. She is by no means what I would call a Penticostal, Charismatic, or any other such Spirit led denomination, and a personal, devestating encounter with the Holy Spirit is probably the last thing she expected to happen. Now, this Wednesday night she was in the Spirit very strongly, as was I. The worship experience grew stronger and stronger, almost to the point of actually being slain. I have been experiencing this lately, and therefore was not at all thrown by the phenomena. Then something happened. As far as I can tell my wife did not have the same experience, and I did not tell her about what happened to me because I needed to speak to a couple spiritual leaders to try and get some discernment about the situation. Here is what happened: I was overcome with a feeling of panic and dread, bordering on sheer terror. I felt that I was going to die, or the building was going to blow up, or demons were going to begin dancing on the stage, or I don't know what. I only knew that the feeling was so scary and shocking that I literally almost ran out of the building. Instead, I began fighting. The only thing I could figure was that I was under attack, and I began rebuking, claiming Jesus, and professing that Satan had no dominion in my life any longer. I know this sounds kind of corny, especially as I write it down, but hey, what happened happened. As I prayed the feeling of fear and doom eased, but did not entirely vanish for awhile. Meanwhile, my wife was so struck by the Spirit that I had to sit her down on the pew because I was afraid that she might fall out and hurt herself (though I don't think she can be hurt if the Spirit is involved). Anyway, everything went slowly back to normal, and the evening progressed with no further hitches. When I spoke to my wife about her experience, she related to me that it felt to her like God Himself had his hand on the back of her neck, holding her in place.

After speaking with a couple guys that I trust, the conclusion was reached that I probably was dying. I don't mean physically, but a part of me (soul, flesh, or whatever) that needed to be murdered so that I can grow closer to Jesus. I always assumed that the dying to flesh was a sort of practice makes perfect thing, not an actual death thing, but I now think that I might have been quite wrong. I think that the term death may be more accurate than I ever imagined.

A good friend and spiritual rock related to me how the Spirit works in his relationship with his wife. He told me that as he and his wife grow closer, as one flesh, the Spirit acts on them together (as one flesh). His wife gets completely slain in the Spirit, and her spirit feeds off of his spirit. This also works both ways, with his spirit communing with hers, though he has never been completely slain in the Spirit. I don't even know if my wife knows what she was praying that night. What I mean to say is that we can pray in the spirit, and we may never actually know what we are praying, but the Holy Spirit does. I believe my wife's spirit must have been making intercession for me, asking God to change me because WOW, it got real weird real fast! God is doing something astounding through His Spirit, something that is working mightely in both my wife and myself. I don't ever want to lose what we have gained, and I want more. I will die daily to my flesh, scary parts and all, if it means a closer walk with Jesus. God is real. Jesus is real. The Holy Spirit is real, and He is here for us, as a constant help and comfort. Have you felt Him lately?

Yep, that's me...

Yep, that's me in the picture. Well, it might as well be. I spent way too many years crucifying my savior, the very one who came to set me free.

Things are different now. I don't have very much in the way of material things, and that's okay. A little cliche, but it's the truth. I have a relationship with Jesus, and I have learned how to listen to the Holy Spirit. I have a relationship with my wife, and I am a child with her, under an awesome Daddy.

The Holy Spirit is an amazing entity. Jesus sent Him to us as our helper. He is the one we deal with on a day to day basis, and He is the one who we have direct contact with. I never realized just how direct, and I think that has always been part of my problem. I did have an experience in Pensacola Florida at the Brownsville revival where I was actually knocked to the ground (not violently) by the Holy Spirit, but I haven't experienced very much other direct communication, or communion, if you will. That has changed lately, and I mean REALLY changed. My contact with the Spirit gets so strong at times that I can barely stand. I have prayed for discernment, and have found no reason to doubt the validity of what I am experiencing. I prayed for my wife to receive the Holy Spirit, and I'll be John Brown if she wasn't baptized with the Holy Ghost. This is a real thing, not a cozy feeling or a soft warm fuzzy. It can be quite scary at times because God is so huge that to feel his weight tends to be overwhelming. I would like to give you this opportunity to feel the Spirit, if only for a moment. Many of you have probably seen the following video, but I tell you, it still makes me sob...

So now I've got the ball rolling. I am going to use this space as kind of an online diary, and I welcome any comments that you may have. I'd love to hear some of your experiences. Please, no profanity or anything else that might be considered inappropriate. If you wouldn't want your 6 year old child reading it, don't post it...