Tuesday, 1/1/2013 - Evening

I haven't done a lot today, it being the first day of the new year and all.  I did go to work for a few hours (bill collectors don't really care about holidays), and the apartment I am painting is ready to roll tomorrow.  Had a chance to text back and forth with my wife a little bit about something other than my addiction problems or our divorce, and I really enjoyed it.  It seems that no matter how hard I try to stay mad (I really don't try that hard), I just can't stay mad at her.  I don't believe God would want me to anyway, and I am doing my level best to do what he would approve of.  I can't speak for her, but I hope we can get this behind us soon and improve how we view each other.

I am kind of tired today, I've been getting more tired lately.  I think not seeing the sun for days on end might have something to do with it.  I wanted snow, and got it.  I didn't have a white Christmas, but had a few days before, and after, and there is still snow on the ground.  As a matter of fact it snowed again today.  I take plenty of vitamin c so i don't think I am sick, at least I don't feel sick.  I have been on an emotional roller-coaster for awhile now, and maybe it is just taking it's toll on me.  At any rate, I am going to go to bed early tonight, maybe really early, maybe within the next hour.  I need to talk to my daughter first, it is the bright spot in my evenings, and though she never has much to say, just the fact that she is on the other end of the phone keeps me going.

I was watching some YouTube videos that I have posted here on this blog, and when it was over, this video came up in the preview pane.  I watched it, and it just makes me sick.  I hate drugs, whether you drink them, smoke them, shoot them, or whatever...  I guess that is why I was disappointed to find out that my son drank last night.  I had hoped that he would go through life being able to say that he had never been drunk, kind of like a badge of honor, but we all have to live our own lives.

Father, I pray that You would guide me, that You would speak clearly to me, and that You would give me ears to hear.  I ask that you help me to keep my thoughts and words always above board.  I pray that you watch over my children and keep Your hands upon them.  I pray that you will be with Anne as she faces tough decisions.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Tuesday, 1/1/2013 - Morning

Well, I had an interesting night last night.  I did not sleep well at all.  I hope the night wasn't an indication of how my year is gonna go, but I guess even if it is it just more opportunity to past tests...  Between the fireworks going off and phone calls from my son about his girlfriend, or ex girlfriend, or whatever she is in reality it seems like I woke up every hour.

I am very optimistic about this coming year.  I brought up the topic of resolutions in my meeting last night, and I learned something.  Addicts don't tend to make resolutions for the new year, and the general consensus is that they don't do this because they make resolutions every morning when they wake up, so there is no need to do it at the beginning of the year.  I guess this is where the "Just for today" philosophy truly shows itself, and though I had never thought about it in this way, I have to say bravo.  God said in His word that we are not promised tomorrow, so there is no use worrying about it.  All we actually have is today, right now even.

English Standard Version (©2001)
yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

I will not drink today, that I know.  I make no promises about tomorrow, but I pray that I wake up tomorrow and am able to say the same thing.  

Father, I thank you for letting me see the beginning of a new year.  I thank you that you have brought me to a place and time that I am able to focus on you.  I pray that over the coming year You would increase my desire for You.  I pray that you would position me to be able to provide well for my daughter.  I pray for Anne that her love for You does nothing but grow.  Help both Anne and I to become people that those around us would call "of God", and be right.  Father, I pray that you would draw my son to you, help him to see his need for you, and give him the strength to act on that need.

In Jesus name,

Amen

A New Season, A New Life...

Tonight is the last night of 2012.  I have not posted anything to this blog in about a year, I would have to check the date of my last post, but that sounds about right.  A LOT has happened in the past year, and though I am not in the position I would like to have been in on this night, I do feel in my heart that I am in the position God wants me to be in, and I have made a commitment to Him to follow where he leads, from now on, through thick or thin.  I will filter my decisions through scripture, and do my best to act in a Spirit led mindset.

I have made a couple of new years resolutions, and one of them concerns this blog.  I am involved with Narcotics Anonymous now, and December 29th marked my 6 month anniversary clean.  My sponsor, as a Christmas present, gave me a blank journal and a pen (hint hint).  I got to thinking about my need to start doing some pen work, and then I remembered this blog.  I hate writing with a pen, and my writing is horrible, so I have decided to use this blog as a daily journal of sorts.  I don't really know what direction it might take, I only know how I plan to start.  The first thing I know I am going to use this page for is a morning and evening journal.  I will journal here in the morning, voicing feelings, concerns, where I'm at etc., and then at the end of the day I will review my day, and compare it to what I wrote in the morning.  This is a technique that I learned in yes, a rehab.  Another of my resolutions is to start doing the NA step working guides.  I will say up front that my sponsor gave me a copy months ago and I haven't even looked at the first page.  Yes, I procrastinate very well.  I may do the work online here, as blog entries, but that sounds kind of scary and depending on the nature of the questions may not work out in practice.

I do want to say up front that this blog is for me.  I haven't yet decided what I will do concerning whether or not to let people reply to my posts, make posts of their own, or simply make it a read only type of thing.  I am trusting God to dictate the flow.  Heck, I don't even know if anyone else besides my sponsor will read it.  That isn't really my concern at this point, like I said it is for me (so ironically, I am talking to my self right now, that's gonna take a little getting used to).  The grammar won't always be correct, nor the spelling, nor is that important.  I want to capture my thoughts as they flow and not be bogged down wondering if someone is going to think I'm an idiot because I don't get sentence or paragraph structure right.  Let me clear it up for you right now; yes I'm an idiot.  The important thing is that I am exploring who I am under God and through Narcotics Anonymous.  The important thing is that I see who I am, or at least who I think I am in black and white.  I would ask that if I decide to allow other posters here, please keep it clean, and positive.  I'm not saying I'm not going to talk about negative things, just that I do so looking for a positive and fruitful outcome.  If you are a family member, and you happen to read something about yourself, or how I am dealing with you etc., please do not get offended.  I am trying to be as honest as possible about how I am doing and feeling, and I will be as respectful as I can.  This will not be a place to do any bashing of any kind, unless it is bashing the devil, and yes, I do mean the actual devil, you know Satan, Lucifer, etc., and not someone I perceive as acting like the devil, unless I perceive them to be openly bashing God, then yes, I might have to have a go at them..

So I will end this post by saying hello and welcome back to me, and a big hello to anyone else who just happens to have nothing better to do with their time than read this blog. May this coming year be a year of growth, both spiritually and economically.

Newspring Church - Greenville Campus

Well, I'm officially offended.  I took my family to visit Newspring church this Sunday, their Greenville campus anyway.  We have never been there, and don't know anyone there.  We were greeted at the entrance to the sanctuary by a very perky greeter who proceeded to tell us about the childrens church.  Us being new, we had allready decided to stay together as a family for the service, at least on the initial visit til we felt comfortable with the place.  We explained to the greeter that we wouldn't be handing our daughter off to people we didn't know on our first visit, and would worship as a family.  We were told that staying together wasn't an option.  We either hand her off, or we sit outside the sanctuary in the overflow, or we leave.  I told her never mind, we would go to our own church... (North Hills Community, they like families)  Anne pointed out to me that it is a good thing we were already saved and have a church, because something like that would sure turn us off of church, and even hinder us from getting saved.  I can understand having a general rule for members that children attend childrens church, but to turn away a newcomer rather than let their child attend the service is just pathetic, and if this is your church, oh well...