Evening

I have had some time, since I have been working by myself, to just listen to God.  I have tried to keep "an open line" with Him, if that makes any sense, and I have managed to get something settled in my mind and heart that has been bugging me.  I have come to the conclusion that though Anne and I don't really agree on who God is or what His characteristics are, that's okay.  Though Jude is only getting a view of God from one parents perspective right now, there will, God willing, be time for me to teach and explain God as I see Him. She is in a Christian school, and they are also teaching their perspective of Him.  Jude will at some point become mature enough to take the influences in her life and make her own decision.  One thing I have to keep in mind is that He is sovereign, and everything will happen according to His plan.  The best I can do is to make sure that I am doing my part to participate in that plan.  I know that gets a little fuzzy when you think about it, and can make you a little crazy, but I believe in predestination and election, and I also believe nothing happens outside of His plan.  As much as I hate it, all my actions up to this point were a part of His plan, as will my future actions be, however I decide to act.  That's a mind blower, but God is God and I am not and it doesn't behoove me to try to figure that one out.  I might just have to go there next when I get done with MacArthur's study of revelation.

I didn't quite make it in time for my meeting tonight.  I would have had to walk in the door right as it started, straight from work, and having not shaved for a few days.  I made a joke with my son about not wanting to walk in there looking like I just came off of a 3 day drunk.  Maybe it's pride, maybe not.  I had to go pick up my check anyway, and Tony was going out so nothing really meshed.  It is one of my favorite meetings, besides my home group, which I am chairing tomorrow night.

All in all it's been a good day.  I was able to talk a little more about my business proposal, and things are still up in the air but promising.  I am praying for my friend, I hope he made it to the meeting tonight, he said he was going.  Please pray for him, and anyone else suffering from the disease of addiction.  I can't explain it to someone who has never been there, but when you are in the middle of it, it becomes next to impossible to make the right choices.  Cunning and baffling.  It is only through God's grace that any addict is able to take the first step, and continue to do the next right thing.

Father, I thank you tonight for the peace you have brought into my spirit tonight.  Though it may be fleeting, I know it to be real, and I know it to be from You.  Thank You for the work You are doing in my life.  Thank You for keeping my daughter safe and happy.  Please make Yourself evident to my son, and If I am to be Your instrument to accomplish that, please make the way.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Morning

I woke up a little later then I have been, but still before my alarm clock.  I haven't been sleeping well.  This morning the dream I was having as I woke up was different.  It involved my family, but not family I spawned.  My mother, father, and sister were in it.  The dream was just weird.  I have been trying to see if there were any lessons about myself or my current state of mind to be gleaned from the dream, but I haven't come up with anything so far.  I know God has a habit of waking us up in the middle of the night to have a chat, but I don't know that this dream was one of those instances.  I guess that if I am supposed to take from this dream, then it will sort itself out as the day progresses. 

I've been having this weird feeling lately.  A feeling like though circumstances in my life may not be ideal, my heart is praising God.  The only way I can describe it is as a bitter-sweet praise.  It is something I am not used to, and I take it as a sign of a maturing heart.  In the past I have either been happy and praising God, or just kind of grudgingly going through the motions.  It feels like something solid and real that I can grab onto even in the midst of trials.  It is an amazing thing really, and I don't want to lose it.

I guess that's about it for this morning.  I know it is a little short, but my mind feels clear this morning, and I don't have unresolved issues swimming through my mind, though that could definitely change by the time I do my evening journaling. 

Father thank you that You are the God of peace.  Thank You that we can feel safe and calm in the midst of trying circumstances because of our relationship with You.  Thank you for the fellowship that you have led me into.  Please watch over and protect my children, and help Anne and myself as we try to walk as You would have us walk.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Evening

I have been fairly sure that a friend of mine, who recently relapsed and picked up a shiny new white keytag, was using again, and I turned out to be right.  I didn't want to be right.  This is the one situation where I would prefer to be wrong.  He texted me this morning informing me that he was going to the VA to get help for his addiction.  Great, wonderful.  The only problem with that is he is living with someone who to the best of my knowledge is in active addiction, the same person he has been using with.  I have always been told that if you hang out in the barber shop long enough you are going to get a hair cut, and that changing your PPT's is a must.  I made a huge change, all new people, complete location change, and things, well I was under a bridge, so any "thing" is a change from that.  What really bugs me about the situation is that I consider him my best friend, besides my son, who has been a better friend to me lately than anyone else in my life.  I need a best friend to confide in and share experience strength and hope with, but I can't open myself up too wide "lest I too fall by the wayside".  There are times when having a conversation with my old buddy Jack doesn't seem like such a bad idea, and if I happen to be that vulnerable just as the opportunity presents itself, I know I would be in trouble.  I am extremely protective of my clean time.  I flat out refuse to go back to the old ways, the old life.  I made a resolution to practice self denial.  It was a suggestion by my buddy John MacArthur, and it struck home.  Self denial takes practice.  You have to do it on a regular basis just to show yourself that you are in charge, not your flesh. 

Father, thank you that though I am weak you are strong.  Thank you for giving me a desire for You, and a desire not to use.  I pray for my friend, that you would use me to do a work in this mans life, lending what little experience strength and hope I may possess.  Protect me from the negative influences of the world and those around me, because I know that the only difference between a test and a temptation is you pass a test, to give in is to fail, and it is at that point that the test is no longer a test, but a temptation.  Father please watch over my children, and help me to become a blessing in their lives.  Please be with Anne as she faces the challenges of the days ahead.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen

Morning

     I woke up at 5:00 this morning.  I don't like waking up at 5:00 any morning.  When I woke up my mind went right back to some of the conversations my daughters mother and I were having yesterday.  I began this morning trying to figure out what really bugged me about the whole thing, and I have come to the conclusion that at least part of what is bugging me is her view of God's abilities.  She told me that some things are just broken, can't be fixed.  I hear stuff like that and wonder if we even worship the same God.  The God I worship is supremely sovereign, and a person with even a miniscule amount of faith can tell a mountain to move and God can honor that request.  Notice I did say can, not does or has to.  I guess what she is trying to say is that she has had her feelings hurt past the point of wanting to allow things to be fixed.  That I can understand, but to say things can't be fixed in my mind is just a cop out, and it limits God.  The other thing that really bugs me is that I always have to be right.  I always have to make her see why I am right.  It is really just immature garbage, and I want it out of my life.  I want to be able, if I feel I am right, to keep it between God and I and leave it at that.  I want to trust God more, and trust my own ability to change situations less.  I am not God, so why do I keep trying to be?

     I have decided that the best thing for me to do is not worry about trying to fix anything or build anything.  I tend to go overboard with my feelings, which leads to going overboard with my words.    The only thing I can do now is to follow Gods word to the best of my abilities, and when my daughter gets old enough to start asking questions, try to give her an honest answer for my thought processes and actions.  The bible says drunks don't get into heaven, and the bible says God hates divorce.  I don't want her being taught that active addiction is okay, and I don't want her being taught that divorce is always an option.  So, God has his work cut out for Him.  One thing I do know, He is big enough, and He is up to the task. 

Switching gears a little, I have submitted a business proposal of sorts to a friend who is in a position to make things happen.  If it is accepted, I will be able to support my children and might even be able to do things like see a dentist and buy some clothes, so please pray success over this enterprise...

Father, I pray that you continue to bring to the surface, like dross on the refiners gold, the impurities that stain my heart and mind.  I pray the same for Anne.  I pray protection over my children, but I also pray you bring the things into their lives that draws them nearer to you.  I pray that you would give my son a saving desire for You, and cause him to see that You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and that unless he holds the truth of this in his heart, he does not have You.

In Jesus name,
Amen