Well, I tried to take a nap today. I kinda slept, kinda didn't. I had another dream, another one of those "good dreams that I don't want to be having" kind of dreams. I guess that I know the source of my sleeplessness now, as much as I hate to admit it. I guess I just didn't realize how deeply Anne is ingrained into my heart. It doesn't seem to matter what I tell myself, or even what I am thinking while conscious, when I go to sleep all that changes. This sucks....
I worked on this blog basically all day today. I added a framed in version of John MacArthur's sermons page, an automatically updating Just For Today page, and a picture slideshow that links to a Picasa web album. It has been quite some time since I coded anything in html language, but it came back fairly quickly, with some help from other bloggers. I hope to add some other relevant information, but I am going to wait until I know what I want. I don't just want to be trying to fill up space. The only issue I ran into in the final product is that the picture slide show will not display on mobile devices. No biggie...
I got a bit of bad news, and I guess you could say good news today. My oldest friend, the guy who temporarily sponsored me right before I moved to Pennsylvania, lost his job. Then he relapsed. The Lord has really been laying him on my heart lately, and I have been trying to get a hold of him to no avail. Now I know why on both counts. I talked to him for about half an hour today. He is really broken up, but that is as it should be. If it didn't tear us up, we wouldn't come back. He allowed me to pray for him. He has a daughter who is like 11 or 12 and is very aware of his struggles. I didn't ask how she fit into the relapse, but I'm sure he will tell me when the time comes. In the way of good news, he now has 2 days clean and just got back from a convention in Ashville. I just pray that he finds his footing again.
That's about it for tonight, tomorrow is a new day, another chance to do the next right thing. Oh yeah, I did some research on online seminary schools. I'm thinking about going for my bachelors and maybe more. I would like to go into Christian rehabilitation counseling at some point, and they offer Christian counseling as a course. The school I am looking at is accredited, and the fees are extremely reasonable. I can't afford it now, but God is big.
Father, thank you for the trials you put before us, I know that it is through trials that all the junk is burned out of our spirits. Please hold the hand of my friend who relapsed, and guide him into spiritual strength. Please watch over my children, and draw Anne close to you.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Sunday Morning
I slept horribly last night. No bad dreams that I recall, but I kept waking up like every 30 minutes. I am beginning to think that it may be physiological rather than psychological. So needless to say, I am kind of foggy this morning. I have been up since around 6:00, or I guess I should say that this is the time that I actually climbed out of bed. I haven't even made my bed yet and it is almost 10:00. Yes mom, you will be happy to know that I do make my bed every day. There is just something comforting and clean about climbing into a made bed at the end of the day. I don't know about other people, but I have to keep my environment orderly and clean in order to keep my mind orderly and clean. If my room is a mess, then so follows my mind.
I am just going to work on my blog today, not necessarily posting, but adding some features like a photo gallery. The gallery, if I am able to accomplish it the way I want, will contain automatic uploads from my camera, ALL the pics that I take, so it may be kind of boring, but I take a lot of pics and this will help serve as another backup. I have 10 years of photos on a corrupted external hard drive. I don't want that to ever happen again, so I backup through some free online cloud storage services as well now. I am going to do wash, and maybe clean a little bit, but that's about it, it's a wrap...
Father, thank you that though I did not sleep well, You did allow me to wake up this morning. Please help me today to stay focused even with a diminished mental capacity. Please watch over and protect those I love and care for.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
I am just going to work on my blog today, not necessarily posting, but adding some features like a photo gallery. The gallery, if I am able to accomplish it the way I want, will contain automatic uploads from my camera, ALL the pics that I take, so it may be kind of boring, but I take a lot of pics and this will help serve as another backup. I have 10 years of photos on a corrupted external hard drive. I don't want that to ever happen again, so I backup through some free online cloud storage services as well now. I am going to do wash, and maybe clean a little bit, but that's about it, it's a wrap...
Father, thank you that though I did not sleep well, You did allow me to wake up this morning. Please help me today to stay focused even with a diminished mental capacity. Please watch over and protect those I love and care for.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Evening
I feel good tonight. I feel like the Lord is working some things out in my mind. It must be Him, because I just suck (as in lemons!) at trying to accomplish the same task myself. I can fix a lot of things in the physical world, but when it comes to my mind, I am my own worst enemy. NA has taught me that our mind is a dangerous place to be without God, and I know it to be true. It is a dangerous place to be with God if you refuse to listen to Him. In that case, you just stay beat up all the time, because the Holy Spirit through your own consciousness will beat you to death, figuratively speaking.
I was having a conversation with my sponsor and his wife tonight about my emotions. They have both been through a divorce, and it is a huge comfort to have two literate people who I trust completely to be able to talk honestly to. I find out through them, as well as the program, that though I can't even define my emotions right now, I am reacting and acting normally. I am not some sort of fiend because of the places my mind can take me, I am just working through my emotions and processing as God intended. If the program of narcotics anonymous did nothing more than put people together to talk, I still believe it would succeed. If you think about it, that is all it does do. It gives people like me an environment of open communication, safety, and guidance. I thank God every day for this program, for it truly is His program.
I really miss my daughter. I think that missing her might be part of the trouble sleeping I have been having lately. I sure hope to be able to see her come spring break. I have got to start trying to save a little money to make that possible, but that is really hard to do right now. Tony and I are looking at moving out of this house and into something a little easier on the wallet, but that is gonna take money as well. I did find a nice couch and chair tonight, or actually it found me. The pastors wife asked if we knew anyone that needed them, and yep, that would be me.
That's about it for tonight. If you are reading this, please pray for me, and if you leave your name in the comment box I will pray for you as well.
Thank you Father that you are always with me, and that You always care. Thank You for my sponsor and his wife, I honestly don't know where I would be mentally without them in my life. Please continue to have Your hand upon them. Thank you for the program of Narcotics Anonymous. Thank you for my children, and the people you have put into their lives. Thank You that Anne is one of Your own.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
I was having a conversation with my sponsor and his wife tonight about my emotions. They have both been through a divorce, and it is a huge comfort to have two literate people who I trust completely to be able to talk honestly to. I find out through them, as well as the program, that though I can't even define my emotions right now, I am reacting and acting normally. I am not some sort of fiend because of the places my mind can take me, I am just working through my emotions and processing as God intended. If the program of narcotics anonymous did nothing more than put people together to talk, I still believe it would succeed. If you think about it, that is all it does do. It gives people like me an environment of open communication, safety, and guidance. I thank God every day for this program, for it truly is His program.
I really miss my daughter. I think that missing her might be part of the trouble sleeping I have been having lately. I sure hope to be able to see her come spring break. I have got to start trying to save a little money to make that possible, but that is really hard to do right now. Tony and I are looking at moving out of this house and into something a little easier on the wallet, but that is gonna take money as well. I did find a nice couch and chair tonight, or actually it found me. The pastors wife asked if we knew anyone that needed them, and yep, that would be me.
That's about it for tonight. If you are reading this, please pray for me, and if you leave your name in the comment box I will pray for you as well.
Thank you Father that you are always with me, and that You always care. Thank You for my sponsor and his wife, I honestly don't know where I would be mentally without them in my life. Please continue to have Your hand upon them. Thank you for the program of Narcotics Anonymous. Thank you for my children, and the people you have put into their lives. Thank You that Anne is one of Your own.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Morning
I woke up this morning in a bad mood because of the dream I was having as I woke up. The dream wasn't bad, waking from it is what put me in the bad mood.
In this dream I don't remember much (you know how dreams fade quickly), I was standing behind Anne with my arms around her, kissing the back of her neck. She was crying, not because she was sad, but because it was over. By over, I don't mean the divorce had been finalized, but that we had called off the divorce, were getting back together, and everything was going to be alright. That is how I woke up. The truth is, I did not even know that was in me. I thought I had managed to purge those feelings. I thought I had moved on. I don't want those feelings, and the sooner they become a distant memory the better.
It is gloomy again today, overcast and a chance of snow again tomorrow. I like snow, but the sun shining on the snow makes for a much better mood. I don't see how people that live in Alaska do it, I guess that is why addiction rates per capita are so high. I think I am going to try and get some rest and sleep today. I have been waking up early every morning, some mornings as early as 3am. I was up at about 6 this morning, and I don't have any work or anything and would loved to have slept in, but there was that dream...
I know my heart and my pride are battling, I can sense it in my thoughts, see it in my actions, and hear it in my words. My dreams are even showing the evidence.
I am just thankful that I see the war, though I sometimes lose individual battles. The Lord knows my heart, and He knows my flesh as well, and I know that if I stay in constant prayer, He will give me the tools to eventually win the war.
According to Robertson McQuilkin, author of Life in the Spirit[1], there are four steps to attaining victory over our old nature and establishing a battle plan.
1. We need to surrender “self” to the Spirit
2. Identify the source of temptation
3. Recognize the Roots of Sin
4. Acknowledge the Taproot
"the taproot of sin is from unbelief in the promises of God" -John Piper
Father, help me today to recognize and trust You more. Help me to stay "armored up" as I engage in spiritual battle. Help me to recognize the way of escape as I face temptations in my own mind. Help me to become the man that You designed me to be, and give me the strength to fight.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
In this dream I don't remember much (you know how dreams fade quickly), I was standing behind Anne with my arms around her, kissing the back of her neck. She was crying, not because she was sad, but because it was over. By over, I don't mean the divorce had been finalized, but that we had called off the divorce, were getting back together, and everything was going to be alright. That is how I woke up. The truth is, I did not even know that was in me. I thought I had managed to purge those feelings. I thought I had moved on. I don't want those feelings, and the sooner they become a distant memory the better.
It is gloomy again today, overcast and a chance of snow again tomorrow. I like snow, but the sun shining on the snow makes for a much better mood. I don't see how people that live in Alaska do it, I guess that is why addiction rates per capita are so high. I think I am going to try and get some rest and sleep today. I have been waking up early every morning, some mornings as early as 3am. I was up at about 6 this morning, and I don't have any work or anything and would loved to have slept in, but there was that dream...
I know my heart and my pride are battling, I can sense it in my thoughts, see it in my actions, and hear it in my words. My dreams are even showing the evidence.
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
I am just thankful that I see the war, though I sometimes lose individual battles. The Lord knows my heart, and He knows my flesh as well, and I know that if I stay in constant prayer, He will give me the tools to eventually win the war.
According to Robertson McQuilkin, author of Life in the Spirit[1], there are four steps to attaining victory over our old nature and establishing a battle plan.
1. We need to surrender “self” to the Spirit
2. Identify the source of temptation
3. Recognize the Roots of Sin
4. Acknowledge the Taproot
"the taproot of sin is from unbelief in the promises of God" -John Piper
Father, help me today to recognize and trust You more. Help me to stay "armored up" as I engage in spiritual battle. Help me to recognize the way of escape as I face temptations in my own mind. Help me to become the man that You designed me to be, and give me the strength to fight.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
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