No More Online Journal For Me...

I will no longer be posting to the journal page.  I have decided that there are things that I need to talk about in a personal journal that just aren't for everyone's eyes.  I feel that to be true to a journal, expressing my feelings, thoughts, and views about the path my life takes, I have to do it privately.  I originally thought that this would be a good place for my daughter to keep up with what goes on in my life, but I think that writing it in a journal and presenting it to her when she is old enough to comprehend is a much more feasible idea. 

I will however, continue to write articles as the mood strikes me, but there is just too much going on in my life to make public.  

After much deliberation, and even more praying, I have decided not to post the entry I wrote this morning.  I don't necessarily think the illustration exactly applies to journal entries, but I guess it is close enough.  I am trying my best to control my emotions, especially where my soon to be ex wife is concerned.  I do fairly well now when I am actually in a conversation with her (at least when she isn't hanging up on me...), but I really want to vent my frustration, and my first thought is to do it here or on Facebook, but the Holy Spirit has been dealing with me fairly severely about that, hence my hesitation this morning.  

My God is absolutely sovereign, there is nothing, and I mean nothing happens outside of His design or against His will.  He knows the situation.  He knows my heart, and He knows Anne's heart.  That doesn't absolve me of the responsibility to defend myself, but it does give me comfort to know that ultimately He is in control, and there is nothing Anne can do that He hasn't allowed to happen.  I am learning to put my money where my mouth is when it comes to my faith, it's not my job to make anyone else follow suite.  

I found out that my buddy has checked himself into the VA to deal with his addiction.  I was just about to the point of telling him to quit playing with it, if you're gonna get high then do it with some gusto and stop trying to keep one foot in recovery.  That may sound harsh, but the sooner he gets to the bad part, the sooner he gets back into recovery.  

That's about it, maybe I will sleep better tonight.  I was sleeping fine again until last night.  

Father, please keep Your hand on this unfolding situation, and do a work in Anne's heart.  Please help her to hear what You say, and not what she wants to hear.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

 I have a journal entry written, but rather than post it I have decided to let it sit in draft form for awhile.  If this evening I still feel like posting it I will, but as for now it is going to slow cook, and may very well burn up in the process.  Then again, it may not.

Not my will, but Yours Father.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

My One Constant

I have so many things going on in my life right now that it is hard to keep focus.  I wish I could say that all of these things were good, but for the most part they are not.  Divorce, Dui, employment, and where I'm going to live are all competing for rent in my head.  I need to keep my focus though, on the One who can walk me through all of these problems.  I need to take my guidance and comfort from God.  I am powerless to do anything but take these things as they come, step by step, and turn them over to God.  Without Him these things will overwhelm me, but with Him these are nothing but things.

Father, please help me today to refocus, to find joy in You.  Please guide my steps words and actions as I navigate this day, and help me to have a grateful attitude.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

Sunday Night

I'm feeling kind of irritated at the world tonight.  Just kinda fed up with everything.  I know it's a stupid selfish feeling, but I have to own it tonight so I'm not going to run my mouth here.  Goodnight.

This is a video I made for a friend of mine.  This may not be the final product, but it's close.  God can turn anyone's life around, including mine.  God is good....  All the time....

Really?

As I am going through my email this morning I came across a message from YouTube. Mike Tober has posted a comment on your channel.  "You are an ignorant fu____g fool."  This guy doesn't know me, the only video I have posted on YouTube is a promotional video for a rehabilitation ministry, and the only videos I typically watch are how to videos or Christian music videos.  I do not post comments to my YouTube channel, didn't even know I had a YouTube channel.  I am just amazed at people these days.  I mean, what are we, 12? It made me mad, but it was one of those kinds of mad where you have to smile, and in your head you are going "really?".

Gonna try and get this apartment finished up today.  It is a large one, and I wasn't able to work yesterday, so this one is taking awhile.  Highly textured walls of rolled drywall mud.  It was a nightmare to cut in.  

Father, thank You for waking me up this morning.  Please help me to see and do something about the sin that is still in my life.  Please guide my steps and words throughout the day and cause me to be a blessing to someone else.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

Officially a resident...

Well I am officially a resident of Pennsylvania.  I got my state ID today, and they cut up my South Carolina ID.  Weird thing about PA though, the one they gave me has temporary stamped on it.  They will send me my permanent one through the mail.  Kind of a weird thing to do if you ask me, but they didn't.  

I got a haircut and did a little needed shopping, but that was about it for the day.  I didn't really get angry or sad, but I never really got happy either.  I guess it was one of those neutral kind of days that you just sort of plod through.  

That's about it.  I don't really have much to say tonight, so rather than just write to be writing I am going to watch a movie as I go to sleep.  G'night all.

Father thank You for helping me to accomplish things today.  Thank You for giving me work tomorrow.  Please strengthen me to obey Your precepts.  

In Jesus' name,
Amen  

Sometimes I Just Get Lonely...

Sometimes I just get lonely...  I have friends here, I have my son, I talk to my daughter every night, but sometimes I just get lonely.  It's like all of a sudden a void appears in my chest and I have nothing to fill it with.  I pray, and I wait.  I know that it will pass, but it is there none the less.  I know God will use it for both His glory and my benefit, but sometimes I just get lonely.

Tomorrow I am going to go find out what all getting my drivers license back is going to entail.  My main concern is the cost involved.  I know that back in SC it would have cost me around $500 to take the ADSAP course.  I know because I've had to do it before.  As I recall it was a fairly drawn out process, like maybe a month or more.  I am praying that it goes a little quicker than that here in PA, and I am also praying that it is a little less expensive.  I really need my license and a vehicle, but God knows that so I am not worried.  I know that he will light the path; all I have to do is follow.

I splurged tonight.   I broke down and bought a shoe shine kit that contained both black and brown polish, 2 applicators, and a brush.  I actually took quite a bit of time considering whether or not I could afford such an extravagant purchase lol, but I do have to watch every dime.  Literally.  I save all my change in a big water jug.  I have a pair of brown boots and a pair of black leather shoes, and both are in dire need of some polish so I gave in.  

I haven't started the NA paper yet, but I may start putting an outline together when I get finished with this post.  I have a basic context, but I don't want to go overboard so I am trying to come up with a way of saying what I want to communicate in the least words possible.  That's not an easy thing to accomplish because once I start writing, if the thoughts are flowing, I could end up with 2 or 3 pages before I realize it.  I guess I can always chop it up after I'm done.

Thats about it for tonight.  Tomorrow is another opportunity to do the next right thing if The Lord sees fit to create another tomorrow.  

Father, please heal my heart, help me to get past the pain and regret that so contaminates my mind.  In You I am a new creation, please help me to act accordingly.  Father, I lift my son up to You tonight, that You would draw him to You and help him to see his need for Your guidance.  I ask You tonight Lord that You would bless all my children with a hunger for the knowledge of You, and the redemptive grace that You paid so dearly for.  Thank You that you are sovereign, and that I don't have to worry about whether or not you really care about me.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

My Welcome! page is tonight's Journal

My Welcome! page is my journal entry for tonight...  I put more of myself into it than I thought was going to come out, and I certainly don't feel like rewriting it for my journal, so click the link...  Come on...  You can do it...

I found someone with a truck to help me get a couch and love seat that the church that hosts my home group is giving me.  I didn't think it was gonna happen, but God stepped in.  I'm gonna go this afternoon and pick them up.
Not much on the agenda today, just a little painting.  I think that this afternoon I am going to try and write an article for the NA literature subcommittee on Triumphs and Tragedy.  I guess we will find out in my evening post whether or not I actually wrote the thing.  If I do, I will post it here under the Articles tab.

Father, thank You for waking me up this morning.  Please guide my steps, thoughts, and words throughout the day.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

One step closer...

I got my reply today from the SC Interstate ADSAP agency today.  I was accepted into their program.  Now all I have to do is to contact a certified alcohol and drug abuse counselor or state-certified DUI evaluator, provide the counselor or evaluator with the enclosed IADSAP Provider Referral Letter, obtain a face-to-face interview for clinical assessment, complete all education and/or treatment recommendations, instruct the treatment provider to return the enclosed Recommendation for Relicensing form to the ADSAP office, and sign a Release of Information form.  Oh yeah, failure to complete the program within a 2 year period will result in ordering a new packet with a new fee and a new driving record...  What a blessing!

It actually is a blessing, I'm just having a little fun.  There are always consequences to our actions.  I may be forgiven by God, but the State of SC wants a little more.  What it actually boils down to is an evaluation and 16 hours of classes, and attend a few NA meetings... and money of course.  I've got the NA thing covered.  I was actually expecting a lot worse.   From what I understand, the classes are either 1 full weekend (2 eight hour days), or 2 different Saturdays.  Something close to that anyway.  God is good, at least I am breathing.  I could have died in that motorcycle accident.  Come to think of it, there were many times when I was under the influence that I could have died, but God always had his hand on me.

We had a speaker tonight at the meeting.  It's funny (well, maybe not that funny) how our stories can all be so different, yet all be the same.  The circumstances and particulars vary from member to member, but a few things remain the same.  We all have gained and lost, hurt the ones we love, and finally come to a point where we just surrendered our wills and lives over to God.  I have yet to meet a member with any clean-time longevity that said he doesn't believe in God.  When I need a little "experience, strength, and hope", I know just where to find it; at a speaker meeting.

Father, thank You for the program of Narcotics Anonymous.  I know that it is a program given by You, and that it is a tool to draw the sick and hurting to Your healing embrace.  Thank You for giving me the opportunity to escape the seemingly unescapable grip of addiction.  Please be with my children and Anne as we navigate this thing called life that You have so graciously given us.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

God as we understand Him

Good morning everyone!

You know, I wonder if you just require less sleep as you get older.  I would have thought it was the other way around, that the older you get the more sleep you need.  5:30 rolled around this morning and BING!, I'm wide awake...  I have no reason at all to get up that early.  Even with my devotions, Just For Today, and journaling getting up at 7:00 still gives me plenty of time before I have to leave for work.  That may change once I get my license straightened out, but for now I have to ride with my son, and we don't leave til almost 9:00.

The JFT this morning talked about turning our will and lives over to the care of God as as we understand Him.  Many Christians have a problem with that aspect of NA, and in the past I was part of that crowd.  I finally, through examining my faith and observing others evidence of faith, came to the conclusion that even as Christians our understanding of God differs.  We all understand God differently.  As Christians our basic doctrine is the same, but we develop our understanding of His character as we go along.  And let me just say this; it is much easier to give the gospel to someone who is clearheaded than it is to someone who is in active addiction.  I have heard many testimonies of people who joined NA as an atheist, and after getting clean came to see the Truth of who God and Christ are, and were saved.

We are supposed to be moving from this house we are living in sometime soon, but I am kinda worried that the money just isn't going to be there and the move is going to turn into a mess.  Please pray Gods guidance and protection over this endeavor.  My life is just now beginning to stabilize, and it looks like it is going to become unstable again in a hurry.  

That's about it for this morning.  I pray that you have a blessed day, and that you grow closer to God minute by minute.

Father, please strengthen my dependence on You, and my courage to face the unknown.  Help me to walk a path that You lay before me, not one that I pave myself.  Please put people and circumstances in the lives of my children that will cause them to know Truth.  

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Wow! Viewers all over...

This is just a quick note.  I was checking the site stats and very surprised that I have viewers not only in the United States, but also the United Kingdom, Germany, China, and Ireland.  The number one browser for entry to this site has been mobile Safari.

You just never know who might be reading your stuff!

Thanks guys for your interest.

Sunday Morning

I slept fairly well last night.  I didn't wake up for good until about 8:30 which is good for me.  I am usually up before 7 whether I am working or not.  My son is still here and it is 10:45 so he must have the day off.  I wish he would have told me, I sure would liked to have gone to church.  I really hope that my license gets sorted out soon.  I get plenty of preaching and teaching, but it would be nice to get together with other believers once in awhile...

New Living Translation (©2007)
And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near     Hebrews 10:25

I don't really have anything on the agenda for today besides doing some laundry and maybe a little cleaning.  I will again try to take a nap but that hasn't been working out very well for me lately.  I took a sorta nap yesterday, one of those naps where you may be dreaming but you are still aware of your physical surroundings.  It's not very restful.  I keep getting an anxious feeling that I haven't been able to identify yet.  Maybe the Lord just wants to see how I operate under that condition.  Circumstances, emotions, relationships...  All that changes frequently and it is up to me and my conscious contact with God to navigate successfully those changes.  No matter how I am feeling, no matter what is going on in my life, just for today I am not going to use.  Just for today I am going to concentrate on doing the next right thing.  Gotta love those slogans that you hear every day.  They are extremely simple, but they are also extremely effective.  I guess that is how they get their longevity.

Father, thank you for another day above ground.  Not that it wouldn't be better to be with You, but I have another chance to see my son and daughter grow and mature, and for that I thank You.  Thank You for a roof over my head, and a bed with warm blankets.  Thank You for clothes and the ability to keep them clean.  Thank You for the work that You provide, and the abilities that it gives me.  Thank You that You are You, despite me being me.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Evening

It's been kind of a weird night.  Our meeting tonight seemed kind of out of whack...  and for some reason I was nervous.  I don't get nervous too often any more, but tonight I did.  I can't really say what made me uneasy, maybe it was the issues people were dealing with, maybe I was subconsciously working on something and the feeling was the product of that effort.  I don't know.  I do know that I tend to get nervous if the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me something and I haven't yet figured out what it is.  It usually means there is something inside of me that I need to deal with.  I guess I will just wait for the heat to turn up and see what kind of impurities float to the top.

Tony's ex girlfriend seems to have flipped a little bit, and I need to pray for her.  If you are reading this, please pray with me in my ending prayer.  I try to pray for people as they come to my remembrance.  I no longer just promise people I will pray for them, because sometimes I forget, and that basically makes me a liar.  I got a tip some years back from someone else who has memory issues, and it works great.  He told me not to promise to pray, but promise that you would pray as they come to your remembrance.  Bravo.

I spent a few hours this morning writing the What Are My Motives article.  I know the finished product doesn't look like a lot, but a lot of thought went into it.  Maybe my subconscious is still working on it and that is the source of my nervousness.  Who knows.  I haven't checked the moon tonight, but if it is full I have my answer.  I have always been adversely affected by the full moon, no joke.  My daughters mom could always tell if it was a full moon just by the way I was acting, even in the daylight.  Weird, huh?

That's about it for tonight.  Looking forward to another relaxing day tomorrow, and another chance to do the next right thing.

Father, I pray tonight that you would put Your hand firmly on this young lady in her difficulties. I pray that you would heal her mental wounds and draw her to you.  Help her to see that it is only through You that she will become whole.  I pray that You would reveal to me the source of my anxiety this evening and provide me with the remedy.  I ask that You watch over and protect all my children, and strengthen Anne in Your Word.  

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Did you see that?

This is a video i made when I had some free time on my hands.  It definitely falls into the "Just For Fun" Catagory....  Hope you like it!

What are my motives?

As I grow in grace, I am becoming more aware of my motives.  Though my words my be right in response to someone I may be in disagreement with, if the intent of my words is to "show them", or inflict harm, then the validity of what I have to say is made null.  On the other hand, if I neglect to say something in an effort to protect someones feelings, I do a disservice to God and that person.  

The Word is a tool that cuts, but that doesn't mean I have the right to use it to hurt someone.  There is a difference.  Recently, around the Christmas holiday, I engaged in a very unprofitable text and email conversation with the mother of my daughter.  I was in an emotionally charged state, and rather than take the advice of my sponsor and just let it be, I felt that I had to justify my position by using scripture and Gods moral law as a weapon.

"For the Word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword. Piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and the morrow. And is a discerner of the thoughts and intents o f the hearts." Hebrews 4:12

And it wasn't merely to justify myself.  If I had left my motivation there I would probably have been okay, but part of the motivation was to inflict emotional harm.  I had inklings of my motivation during this exchange, but it was not until I became clear-headed again that I was able to see the full extent of my motivation.  Although I believe the things I said to be true even now, the motivation and delivery were wrong.  The words were not said out of love and a desire to see her grow closer to God, they were selfishly motivated.

"And is a discerner of the thoughts and intents o f the hearts."

My intentions backfired, and it was I that got cut. The Holy Spirit began whispering to me about my motivation.  I became preoccupied with my motives.  Even here, in the writing of this article, the temptation is to justify myself; to make the reader see my side of things, but the Spirit has begun giving me a literal, I even want to say physical warning sensation when my motives are out of check.  If I feel that, I have to stop and examine the "what" and the "why" of whatever I am about to say.

I have been going through sort of a paradigm shift In my Christian walk.  I have attended a few different churches that would be classified differently, i.e. Pentecostal, Charismatic or Word Faith, and to a small extent Fundamentalist.  I am moving out of the Charismatic genre for my meat, and into I guess you would say Calvinist Fundamental expository.  I still enjoy Charismatic churches for worship, mainly worship through music because I believe that having a profound emotional experience is good for the soul from time to time, but I can no longer justify trying to maintain an emotional state as evidence of my Christian walk.  Emotional response is not a validation of truth, pure and simple.

In a recent Facebook post I received sort of a challenge in the form of a comment.  I'm not going to go into detail here, but let me just say that my post and response to the comment were accurate, or at least accurate to where I am in my walk with Christ at this moment in time.  In writing my response, I felt I was justified and well within the confines of God's Word concerning how we as Christians are to communicate with each other.  I do not believe in the "live and let live" philosophy that so many churches are adopting in order to deal with differences in doctrine.

"Here is a typical letter, and I'm quoting, written to us. "Please reconsider your policy of dealing with the Charismatic movement and other controversial topics on your radio broadcast. Though we share your convictions on these issues, many of our listeners do not. These people are dear brothers and sisters in Christ and we do not feel it is helpful to the cause of Christ to attack what they believe. We're committed to keeping peace among brethren and unity in the Body of Christ. Thank you for being sensitive to these concerns."

It is not helpful to the cause of Christ to attack error anymore. That's what it says. It is not helpful for these dear brothers and sisters in Christ to attack what they believe even though it is wrong. It is more helpful, under this philosophy, to let them remain in error. We are committed to keeping peace, even if peace means error and finding unity even if unity means heresy. Thank you for being sensitive to our desire to maintain heresity if it must be maintained for the sake of unity."

      -John MacArthur

The only problem is that later I felt that small tingle from the Holy Spirit that my motives might have been a little off, or I had a desire not to hurt the other persons feelings.  I can't at this point discern which.  This brings up the question: How do we as Christians communicate Truth to each other when our understanding of Truth differs?  One thing I do know, if we go into it with an "I'll show you" attitude, we do more damage than good.  It looks like I have found a topic of future study.

I have pride issues... I wish that wasn't the case, but I am starting to see that it is true.  I don't want pride clouding my service to God.  I don't want pride getting in the way of what He is trying to do in my life.  I have a hard road in my immediate future, and I want to be able to travel it in humility, love, and confidence.

I also have motivational discernment issues...  I know that I need to learn the difference between selfish motivation, and just not wanting to hurt someones feelings, they are both bad motivation to either say or not say something.  During my marriage, I had to be very careful of what I said to my wife because she was very sensitive when it came to comments about her actions, behaviors, words etc.  One of the ways I failed in my duties as a husband and as priest of our home is that in an effort to protect her feelings I never brought anything to her that might be spiritually beneficial if I thought it would hurt her feelings.  In hindsight, this did her an injustice.  Feelings are temporal, but God's truth is eternal.  Feelings may get hurt, but that hurt will eventually be replaced with growth.  Like I have heard so many times, The Truth hurts, it was designed that way.  But it is also liberating.

To the person who responded to my post, if you are reading this, please accept my apology for offending you if that is the case.  I enjoy an open dialogue about beliefs, even if they differ.  You are my sister in Christ, and I respect you as such...

Morning

I've been listening to Jesus Culture this morning.  Those guys can lead you  into a spirit of worship like nobody's business.  I have a habit of posting lyrics I hear that impact me to Facebook, and though I posted a few this morning, I had to resist the urge to post many more.  I am trying to actually live my life in a spirit of worship, but life, as we know, tends to get in the way and distract us.  I am realizing that it is possible to worship no matter what is going on in your life, as long as focus on God is maintained.  God is there through everything, wants to guide and comfort us through everything, and has the answer to everything we may go through.  He IS the answer to everything we may go through...

Father, teach me what it is to live a life of worship.  Teach me to not look for a "magical experience", but to realize that this entire dimension you have built for us IS the wondrous experience.  Teach me to worship in power and truth, and to live boldly in Your Word.

In Jesus' name,
Amen 

Evening

So I guess you could say today has been a fairly productive day.  I looked at 3 apartments, opened a checking account, went out to lunch for the first time in months, and did some shopping.  I got a few nice things at the Goodwill store...  I love those resale shops.

My son is going through some stuff with his ex girlfriend.  The bought a car together (first mistake), and he let her put the title in her name (second mistake).  Anyway, he had it parked permanently at the shop where it works because it doesn't run.  She said she was going to sell the car.  He told her that she couldn't until she paid the storage fees to the shop.  She then distracted him, and had the car towed.  A lot of this could have been avoided by keeping all their stuff separate.  It is hard enough for married people, let alone two single people to divide or claim mutual items.  You live and you learn...

I'm in good spirits, worked on some digital art for awhile this evening.  Some of my handiwork can be seen on the Welcome! page and on the journal pages.  The Jesus pic, not the NA emblem.  I ate a great salad today, first time in awhile.  It was kinda expensive though, but it was all you can eat soup and salad.  I haven't been to a restaurant in months, and it was a nice treat.

That's about it for tonight.  I have my blog pretty much the way I want it for now, so now it is time to apply myself to some legitimate content.  I am going to post some articles concerning bible study, but not tonight.

Thank You Father for the many blessings You have bestowed upon my family and myself.  Help us to see our need and see our Savior.  

In Jesus' name,
Amen